Avian Shithead: The Pelican

[Yngwie Einstein]

I'm more into boobies

[oxlongm]

I was on a beach once, and a big flock of pelicans landed. A couple of them walked right up to me and started biting me on the arms. They were pretty aggressive, even though they were a couple feet tall -- right within easy kicking range -- and the bites hurt about as much as a kid trying to crush your arm with a pair of barbecue tongs.

I have no idea how a bird with a weak bite could have evolved with the habit of picking fights with much bigger animals. Then again, I didn't actually kick it or rip its bill off, so maybe it was pretty smart in picking its victim.

I thought it was funny at the time, but now I see how dangerous my appeasement policy was. If it happens again, I'll rip it apart and leave its weird knobby underbite head on a pole as an example to the rest of them.

[ssakmule]

A glorious pelican effortlessly applying the laws of physics & positions of yoga to perfection. Notice the pre-dive potty mouth tuck-in.

What you don't see is that someone snapped it's neck and punted it off a fishing boat into the sea. Plop!
I hear sharks won't even eat the fucking things. Dolphins drag their carcasses to the bottom and bury them just to get the stink out of their living space.

Absolutely wrong. Observe carefully. The magnificient bird has stalled midair with it's sexy beak touching the sea water. The sea water is carefully sucked in through inexplicable capillary actions - purified & the excessive salt is gracefully stored in it's wing flaps to be later dispensed to needy victims of thyroid screwing goitre.

It's excellency then has it's fill of fresh water, does a humming bird routine with some extra-sexy reverse wing flaps & re-starts it's aviary military-wing-design-inspiring routine - intermittently gliding down to acrobatically catch some flying fish. It then proceeds to gently steam those flying fish in it's warm flappy mouth & consumes it with greatest efficieny since a pelican does not shit. It's so efficient in design that it lacks an arsehole. The people in the boat you mention just look in awe & clap each other's hands. The dolphis below make some stupid clicking sounds of acknowledgement and proceed to jump directly into the mouth of a passing sperm whale fully knowing that the enormity of what they witnessed can never be matched again.

[Marsupialized]

Oh, did I forget to mention they are CANNIBALS as well?



There are absolutely no depths these terrible creature refuse to sink to. Absolutely none.

That's his own mother, by the way. She turned her back on him for a spilt second. After years of raising him and sacrificing for him, feeding him, guiding him through life, teaching him the foul ways of the pelican. Took him all of two tenths of a second to decide to murder and devour her once she foolishly let her guard down for a moment to grab a dirty diaper that was floating by.

[Ernest]

...After years of raising him and sacrificing for him, feeding him, guiding him through life, teaching him the fowl ways of the pelican. Took him all of two tenths of a second to decide to murder and devour her once she foolishly let her guard down for a moment to grab a dirty diaper that was floating by.

fypelican

[ssakmule]

Oh, did I forget to mention they are CANNIBALS as well?



There are absolutely no depths these terrible creature refuse to sink to. Absolutely none.

That's his own mother, by the way. She turned her back on him for a spilt second. After years of raising him and sacrificing for him, feeding him, guiding him through life, teaching him the foul ways of the pelican. Took him all of two tenths of a second to decide to murder and devour her once she foolishly let her guard down for a moment to grab a dirty diaper that was floating by.

Easy there, again - your misconceptions about these supremely benevolent creatures, makes you needlessly malign these noble birds. What you see here is a pelican using mouthwash. Humans depend on pointless saline solutions like Listerine, while the pelican believes in community & when a pelican wants to clean his mouth and floss it's beak, it ask for a mouthwash & mouthwash is what the pelican gets.

[Ranxerox]

I have a friend who ate a pelican in the last couple of months and was surprised to find that they were not in the least bit tasty. Not even gamey.

'Have you ever seen one on a menu? Anywhere? I have been to many seaside areas and eaten while observing the seas evening repose on dozens of occasions. Never once have I seen Pelican on a menu. Seas Cucumbers? Yes. Urchins? Yes. Anaonemeonene? Yes. Pelicans? Never once.

What does that tell you?

NC for for managing to to be so interesting that no one seems to care they have a huge and EMPTY scrotum on their faces.

NC at all.

[Somnambulist]

"A 1-day-old pelican (Pelecanus crispus) chick tries to crawl out of its eggshell at the Rotterdam Zoo in the Netherlands, Jan. 28, 2009. The Rotterdam Zoo has an extensive breeding program for endangered animal species like the Pelecanus crispus.
(Michael Kooren/Reuters) "

[Jason A]

Dude, pelicans rule all.

[jimmy spako]

Anaonemeonene

A for effort.

[bigc]

Was fishing off a pier in Sarasota FL one Sunday. I baited my hook with a minnow and cast when a pelican came flying out of nowhere and ate the minnow and set the hook. We had to cut the line really quick so as not the do any further damage to the pelican.

Perhaps this will make you smile.

[Marsupialized]

Was fishing off a pier in Sarasota FL one Sunday. I baited my hook with a minnow and cast when a pelican came flying out of nowhere and ate the minnow and set the hook. We had to cut the line really quick so as not the do any further damage to the pelican.

Perhaps this will make you smile.

That exact thing has happened to me many times while fishing.
Once, I was a young boy and we were fishing of a bridge in Florida and the same thing happened. Pelican flew by and grabbed the hook. The line snapped before I could do anything and I watched the line and weight spin around and around his beak and tie it shut pretty much. He landed in the water and was thrashing around trying to get it off but it would not come loose. We tried to get to him but we could not. I asked my father what would happen to the pelican and he said 'the pelican will starve to death eventually'
That's some heavy shit to lay on a five year old, man. I still think about that stupid ass pelican all the time.
I get to live my whole life with that shit in the back of my mind, all because a pelican is too fucking stupid not to eat a bare fucking hook that didn't even have any bait on it. Then too stupid to let some people get it off for him.
Man, fuck pelicans. For real.

[Red Square]

Anaonemeonene

A for effort.

also, would see...

[SecondEdition]

Anaonemeonene

new grateful dead album?

[scntfc]

Anaonemeonene

new tool album?

FYP

[SecondEdition]

Anaonemeonene

new ministry album?

FYP

FYFYP

[m.koren]

" After the worldwide success of 'Nostradamus', Judas Priest is back with what's sure to be another metal-mindblower...HELLICAN !!! "

[scntfc]

Anaonemeonene VI: Ascent of the Planet Warriors, From Perseus Omicron Our Heroes Cometh

new coheed and cambria album?

FYP

FYFYP

FYFMPthatFYP

[fishingrhod]

what's the difference between a peliphobe and a peliphile? about 5 mackerel.

[sack of smashed assholes]

homeless of the sky

would maybe see.