Website: okcupid.com

[jimmy spako]

my first okcupid date is on for tonight.
i've been emailing back & forth with this girl all week, it's been very natural & pleasant.
she is fucking adorable & funny & down-to-earth.

ok, jimmy, don't fuck this up.



wish me luck, alumibros.

[Marsupialized]

my first okcupid date is on for tonight.
i've been emailing back & forth with this girl all week, it's been very natural & pleasant.
she is fucking adorable & funny & down-to-earth.

ok, jimmy, don't fuck this up.



wish me luck, alumibros.

Good luck.
If things are getting hot and heavy and it seems like you are about to be allowed to manually diddle her gaping sin hole for the first time, to spice things up a bit, excuse yourself to use the washroom quickly beforehand. When in the washroom, spray pepper spray all over your fingers, then go back and proceed. She'll soon assume she's aroused in some strange, extreme way she's not been before, with the excruciating burning and whatnot. Sure to be a lasting love connection.
If you bypass the manual and go straight to the mouth to snizz resuscitation, which is common in these hectic times with these modern liberated women, a funny joke is to, when she throws her head back in delight and is not looking, fill your mouth with mayonnaise. I like to keep a turkey baster full hidden down on the side of the bed, maybe under some clothes or something, in preparation for occasions such as this.
After a few minutes of vigorous coochie nom-nom, lift your head up and spit it all out directly onto her belly and say 'I've never done this before, is it normal for so much of that stuff to be in there?'
Trust me, little things like this go a long way in letting a woman know that you are indeed in it to win it.

[jimmy spako]

If you bypass the manual and go straight to the mouth to snizz resuscitation, which is common in these hectic times with these modern liberated women, a funny joke is to, when she throws her head back in delight and is not looking, fill your mouth with mayonnaise. I like to keep a turkey baster full hidden down on the side of the bed, maybe under some clothes or something, in preparation for occasions such as this.
After a few minutes of vigorous coochie nom-nom, lift your head up and spit it all out directly onto her belly and say 'I've never done this before, is it normal for so much of that stuff to be in there?'
Trust me, little things like this go a long way in letting a woman know that you are indeed in it to win it.

yeah, i'm thinking that cottage cheese in the back of the fridge might be even better.

[Marsupialized]

If you are not squeamish, you can purchase a water dog at any bait shop for maybe a buck a piece and use that.



You don't even have to put it in your mouth, just scream and come up with it in your hand. 'WHAT THE FUCK?! THIS WAS INSIDE YOU!'


If you really wanna freak her out, rig something up with maybe the stereo or computer or something where it sounds like it's saying 'Mommy, please help me Mommy' in a real fucked up screechy voice.

Ah, I envy you, at the cusp of a new relationship, so many wonderful possibilities.

[jimmy spako]

it's really putting me at ease that other people have similar upsexxin' ideas.

if it goes straight to the stabbing & i can't use your april foolsplay tips, i will have an extra condom handy & stuff my water dog in there & then after i purr "i fuck you" one last time & have a soul-depleting orgasm i will reach down & grab the stunt rubber with that hipster looking jumbo tadpole motherfucker in it & slap it down on the bed next to her elbow.

[Luzwei]

my first okcupid date is on for tonight.
i've been emailing back & forth with this girl all week, it's been very natural & pleasant.
she is fucking adorable & funny & down-to-earth.

ok, jimmy, don't fuck this up.



wish me luck, alumibros.

make sure you PAY FOR EVERYTHING so she can feel like a real lady.

[jimmy spako]

my first okcupid date is on for tonight.
i've been emailing back & forth with this girl all week, it's been very natural & pleasant.
she is fucking adorable & funny & down-to-earth.

ok, jimmy, don't fuck this up.



wish me luck, alumibros.

make sure you PAY FOR EVERYTHING so she can feel like a real lady.

dude (or should i say lude?)!
i actually motherfucking paid for everything & it was kind of weird!
i intended to pay for it from the start, though she hit me up first on okcupid & i had waited for her to say that she would be interested in meeting me while we were messaging back & forth. so she basically asked me out, but i suggested the restaurant.
when it came time to pay it was slightly awkward. i think that i came across as a little stiff & oldschool; i just don't think that that is very common here, i think that it is much more common to split on the first date & then treat one another later when one is more invested. i don't think she was necessarily put off by it, just surprised. we went to a bar for a nightcap afterwards & i let her pay there.

the date was nice enough, we hit it off well & i could imagine at least being buddies with her. but the chemistry wasn't exactly there. you know, the chemistry, FROM THE INTERNET!!!

still, i'm going to see her again wednesday.

i actually wrote that i am broke on my profile, like "you should message me if you want to hang with a broke-ass smooth maker of music who loves this city & loves to get out in to it despite his brokeassedness." hasn't stopped ladies from writing me! i thought it would be cool to put it out there & screen women who would have a problem with it. seems to have worked.

so, though i think it is actually kind of cool for a guy to pay on the first date, i couldn't do what i did last night more than once a month. i literally spent more last night than i should spend on groceries in a week at the moment. so, i will be more pragmatic in the future & be glad that i am in a place where it is not expected.

[Luzwei]

dude (or should i say lude?)!
i actually motherfucking paid for everything & it was kind of weird!
i intended to pay for it from the start, though she hit me up first on okcupid & i had waited for her to say that she would be interested in meeting me while we were messaging back & forth. so she basically asked me out, but i suggested the restaurant.
when it came time to pay it was slightly awkward. i think that i came across as a little stiff & oldschool; i just don't think that that is very common here, i think that it is much more common to split on the first date & then treat one another later when one is more invested. i don't think she was necessarily put off by it, just surprised. we went to a bar for a nightcap afterwards & i let her pay there.

you, my friend, are a sorry excuse for a man. I am disgust for reading this.

the date was nice enough, we hit it off well & i could imagine at least being buddies with her. but the chemistry wasn't exactly there. you know, the chemistry, FROM THE INTERNET!!!

still, i'm going to see her again wednesday.

That's fairly understandable. Non face contact is always easier as there is no eye to eye contact where you can hide your true "feelings". It makes it easier as there is not enough comfort yet.

[Angus Jung]

the date was nice enough, we hit it off well & i could imagine at least being buddies with her. but the chemistry wasn't exactly there. you know, the chemistry, FROM THE INTERNET!!!

still, i'm going to see her again wednesday.

I wouldn't necessarily jump to a lot of 'chemistry' conclusions after a first date, esp. a first Internet date. The second time you hang out will give you a better idea.

[placeholder]

still, i'm going to see her again wednesday.

You're in Germany, no?

Make sure to say "FERTIG!" instead of "RELEASE!"

[jimmy spako]

I wouldn't necessarily jump to a lot of 'chemistry' conclusions after a first date, esp. a first Internet date. The second time you hang out will give you a better idea.

yes, this is sound advice & what i have been thinking today.
it's awful, i get so excited that i project lots of stuff on to somebody before i actually meet them, i fantasize a lot. i've started to do this a little too much in every aspect of my life & am slowly getting a grip on it & hauling myself back in to the present. so this means that she had to compete against some weird idealised vision in my head, as much as i didn't mean it. & she is kind of super nerdy & a little awkward too...add that to my ass across the table, cracking jokes like a maniac to keep her laughing & keep me from having a fucking anxiety attack & you get some wacky chemistry. i am definitely going to go to a movie she's presenting wednesday & then hang with her, go to an exhibition or a movie, later on this week or on the weekend. i think she could be a nice friend, if nothing else. i like lady friends, & all of mine live somewhere else.

still, i'm going to see her again wednesday.

You're in Germany, no?

Make sure to say "FERTIG!" instead of "RELEASE!"

i am kind of old-fashioned & usually just stick to "achtung, achtung!"

then i say "papiere, bitte" if i am not in my own bed.

[Andy]

RANK! of OKCupid profiles!

* "I like all kinds of music, not too much into country or rap or heavy metal lol"
* "I have a wide range of music on my iPod, from Coldplay to heavier stuff like System of a Down."
* User named "white_wing_dove"

[Charlie D]

RANK! of OKCupid profiles!

* "I like all kinds of music, not too much into country or rap or heavy metal lol"
* "I have a wide range of music on my iPod, from Coldplay to heavier stuff like System of a Down."
* User named "white_wing_dove"

Least offensive: the username. Sometimes a person has a decent one picked out and finds out that it has been taken. Then they come up with one on the fly that they think is fairly decent and it's taken, too. I hardly care about usernames. At the end of the day, their name is Sandra or Danielle or Stephanie and their username is just something they had to put in a required field. Sometimes they pick something as a goof, sometimes they pick something that they think is really profound, but, mostly, everybody's username is a joke.
Moderately offensive: Considering System of a Down or the like to be "heavier stuff". I can probably tell that we're not going to have that much in common musically, maybe but just maybe. Maybe this person isn't normally into heavy things and so, if the guitars are distorted or if said person can't pick out a melody, that's "heavier" to them. Date somebody not into metal, play them Metallica's covers of the Misfits, they'll think it's Gorgoroth. There are other things the two of you can share. Books, movies, TV... Things outside of pop culture, too: Travel, gardening, cooking, dog training, water polo...
Most offensive: "I like everything." Not even "I like everything except..." "I like everything" strikes me as supremely dismissive of the conversation at hand. "What do you like?" "I like everything." No. No you don't like everything. You have a preference and I'm asking what it is. Further, now, if I really care that much to, I have to needle to find out what that preference is.
Do I "like everything"? Sure but when you ask me what I like, I'm going to answer that (as of the time of this post) I've been listening to a lot of Rowland S. Howard and the Shins, lately. I'm really into Ramones and Motörhead. I grew up listening to Nirvana. And (just to throw one in out of left field) I have this total thing about old school Motown records.
It's about putting some thought into the answer; somebody's taken an interest in sitting down with you and finding things out about you, show them the courtesy of putting forth an effort. "I like everything" and its sundry variations are cop outs and basically signal that the interrogatee's not putting any effort into this conversation.
Unless they're really drunk. That gets a waffle right there because, you know, when you're drunk...
[/rant]

[Andy]

Least offensive: the username.

I thought it was obvious, but maybe not. The name "white_wing_dove" is a reference to "Edge of Seventeen". I knew it must be as soon as I saw the name, and reading the profile confirmed that she is just a huuuuuge Stevie Nicks fan.

Does that change the perception?

[Charlie D]

Not really, no. But if the focus is solely musical, well, shit, I like that Stevie Nicks song. I have the forty five somewhere. But I really wouldn't have drawn that conclusion at first glance, as, you know, I already didn't.

[eephour]

Least offensive: the username.

I thought it was obvious, but maybe not. The name "white_wing_dove" is a reference to "Edge of Seventeen". I knew it must be as soon as I saw the name, and reading the profile confirmed that she is just a huuuuuge Stevie Nicks fan.

Does that change the perception?

A Stevie Nicks reference could be a good thing you know.

[Charlie D]

A Stevie Nicks reference could be a good thing you know.

She at least has a coke hook-up.

[eephour]

A Stevie Nicks reference could be a good thing you know.

She at least has a coke hook-up.

That too.

I always thought a young Stevie was pretty fine. Break your dick off fine.

[Charlie D]

Oh, shit, yeah. She'd make an atheist pray.

[Andy]

* "I like all kinds of music, not too much into country or rap or heavy metal lol"
* "I have a wide range of music on my iPod, from Coldplay to heavier stuff like System of a Down."
* User named "white_wing_dove"

It turns out those happen to be in decreasing order of annoying for me.

"I like all kinds of music" says "I listen to whatever happens to be on the radio in the office and I don't think about music at all." Least appealing. It's also an attempt to be more suave and cultured than she actually is.

"Wide range of music" at least says she's aware of music, and has specific tastes. At least "Coldplay to System of a Down", while completely horrible, is a wider range than the guy at work who told me he likes everything from Chicago to the Eagles.