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The Comedy of Craigslist

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Re: The Comedy of Craigslist

Postby CarjackFairy on Wed Jul 19, 2017 10:27 pm

https://orlando.craigslist.org/msg/d/korn-piano-and-syntetitaizer/6227051761.html

Korn piano and SYNTETITAIZER - $800 (Orlando)
Like new .
do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers
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Re: The Comedy of Craigslist

Postby enframed on Thu Jul 20, 2017 12:26 am

https://sfbay.craigslist.org/scz/fbh/d/ ... 87468.html

"Experienced servers wanted for new upscale fusion. I am putting together an vegan, vegetarian, gluten free Steakhouse......yes....you read that correctly. Grass fed beef, sustainable seafood, organic produce. Locally sourced farm to table."
Records for sale.

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Re: The Comedy of Craigslist

Postby Boombats on Thu Jul 20, 2017 12:27 am

"an vegan"
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Re: The Comedy of Craigslist

Postby total_douche on Thu Jul 20, 2017 8:56 am

CarjackFairy wrote:https://orlando.craigslist.org/msg/d/korn-piano-and-syntetitaizer/6227051761.html

Korn piano and SYNTETITAIZER - $800 (Orlando)
Like new .
do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers

Is a Korn Syntetitaizer what Jonathan Davis uses in lieu of roofies? Zzzzap!
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Re: The Comedy of Craigslist

Postby Major on Sat Jul 29, 2017 12:45 pm

Oh, man...

https://houston.craigslist.org/msg/d/se ... 87045.html


Image

Well established band with over 9,000 followers on social media seeking a unique and talented guitarist for post-hardcore and acoustic performances. Creativity and improvisational skills are a must. Also must be willing to learn pre-written material. Will be paid per show once a quality evaluation has been administered for stage performance and musicality. After 6 months, will have option to join permanent band or remain show-by-show performer only. Auditions MUST meet requirements below:

-Must have reliable source of transportation to any and all practices and shows
-Perfect attendance at practices for the probationary period of 6 months
*--if schedule conflicts arise, flexibility is permitted as long as there's communication and preemptively works to disclose their schedule to avoid future conflicts
-Must maintain open weekends for potential show-dates
-Must be able to travel to different cities
-Must demonstrate ability to maintain financial stability

If you are interested, please review the material below and see if our sound is something you'd be interested in playing on stage!
Thank you for your interest!

https://corringtonwheeler.com/

https://www.instagram.com/corringtonwheeler/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFoSPvz766Y


It's like, yeah, whatever, douche band seeking the same. Then there is the 3rd image:

Image

Also, "Corrington"? That's a name?
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Re: The Comedy of Craigslist

Postby Boombats on Thu Aug 10, 2017 8:40 am

The comedy of eBay...

Image

"good vibes" indeed

"Anal O.G." should be a post count status thingy on here
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Re: The Comedy of Craigslist

Postby the finger genius on Thu Aug 10, 2017 9:04 pm

jimmy two hands wrote:Then we all log off internet and eat nachos. All is well.

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Re: The Comedy of Craigslist

Postby MatthewK on Sat Aug 12, 2017 6:46 pm

Pinched from the ILX boards:
https://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/ofc/6256376954.html
---Interviewing daily---
Hi and thx for visiting.

We're two 30-something executives living in the city with a sweet medium-sized, hypoallergenic dog. Work is crazier than ever which means that we don't have time to maintain our personal lives. We've finally accepted that we need a full-time (or part-time) personal assistant.

THE PROBLEM:
----------------------

We're resorting to unhealthy take-out and processed foods -- anything we can grab and munch on in-between working on our computers, we aren't getting enough sleep (8 hrs/night is a must but rarely achieved), that very cute dog I mentioned doesn't have someone to play with daily, personal social media accounts are neglected, I buy fresh flowers but don't have time to trim daily and change the water, indoor plants are dying, vacations and fun trips aren't taken because there's no time to plan them, dirty laundry is neglected until we run out of clean clothes to wear, merchandise that should be returned doesn't get returned, phone calls to customer support don't get made, prescriptions aren't refilled, instead of dry cleaning something it will just never be worn again, pants that are too long never get hemmed, that cute dog doesn't get taught new tricks or get his coat brushed out as often as it needs to be, things that we're meaning to order don't get ordered, items slated for donation sit in a corner for months, groceries aren't put away into the cabinet, the sink is eternally filled with soaking dishes/pots/pans, picture frames hang on the wall with no photos inside, the closet is in need of reorganization, appointments aren't scheduled, information isn't updated, nail polish gets chipped and remains chipped, investment opportunities go un-researched, and that crucial"date night" consists of collapsing onto the sofa and watching a movie because we're so exhausted from the work week.

Does the idea of helping us to go from zero to hero in all of the above areas make you smile OR cringe?

For the cringers, feel free to exit now :) Good luck with your search!

For the smilers, you're making me so happy. I know that you're going to help us so much.

THE SOLUTION:
----------------------

Our ideal full-time (or part-time) personal assistant is chill but also gets sh*t done.

Ideally, you have experience being a personal assistant for a CXO in the past (and you really liked it).

You aren't dramatic or tightly wound, however, you're also not lazy or sloth-like (nothing against sloths). You're level-headed and your friends think you have great judgment. You're down to earth, not cocky, humble, and always willing to admit when you're wrong. You aren't too stubborn to apologize. You don't get defensive and deflect. You own your mistakes and see them as opportunities to improve. You have confidence in yourself and although you are very empathetic, you rarely get overwhelmed by your emotions. You aren't dramatic and you aren't having regular melt-downs. You're warm, welcoming, and always down for a good time. You take pride in your work quality (no matter what it is -- big or small) and believe everything you create is a reflection of you and your character/abilities so you want it to be good. You notice inefficiencies and tend to find ways to save time, streamline, or automate where you can. You're observant and detail-oriented. You always know where your keys are or where your wallet is because you make it a point to place them in the same place. You have a great memory and rarely have to say "Oh, I forgot." You believe that there's a place for everything and everything should be in its place. You're naturally organized and clean. You don't like messiness. You feel compelled to straighten items if they're crooked. Aesthetics, design, and beauty in life are things that you notice and appreciate. It genuinely makes you happy to help others and make others smile. You find it rewarding to do things for others. (If you don't feel this way, you will either hate this role or it will be awkward for us because you won't seem happy.) Your friends think that you're the one in your group who has their act together the most in terms of being responsible, responsive, and risk-averse. You take pride in working smart vs. working hard. You do things well AND you do it as quickly as possible. You consistently strive for both quality and speed. You like to laugh and your friends think you can be funny. You smile and/or laugh when you tell a joke or say something humorous (dry senses of humor need not apply)! You care about visual presentation and delivery of your words. You enjoy making things look nice. You enjoy making things smell nice. You have a kind heart and try to not be selfish. You are generous with your attention and love. You are a strong communicator and can tell an engaging story. If something needs to get done, you find a way. You're very comfortable with technology and devices. You use your smartphone all the time. You use your laptop all the time. Google is your best friend. You take pride in how you look -- whatever that "look" or style may be for you. At the same time, you also want to be practical and functional (e.g., you're "bohemian chic" but avoid the giant wedges that will prevent you from hustling around town, you're "cool hipster" but don't wear the super tight jeans that won't leave you room in your pockets to hold my dog's potty bags, you're totally "minimalistic modern" but avoid the white on white look so you're not afraid to get dirty when cooking, etc.)

REQUIRED HOURS:
----------------------

Location = SoMa
Commitment = on-call 24/7 for emergencies/urgent/important matters
Hours = Approximately 40 hrs/wk (mostly during the workweek)

TYPICAL SCHEDULE:
----------------------

Mon - Fri
- 10am - 11am = dog time (feeding, brushing, walking, washing, play with, teach tricks, take photos)
- 11am - 12pm = cleaning home (dishes, laundry, vacuum, dusting, wiping down countertops, clean up rare dog accident, etc.)
- 12pm - 1pm = improving look, ambiance & functionality of home (reorganizing cabinets, refreshing flowers, etc.)
- 1pm - 3pm = run errands (dry cleaning, tailor, groceries, clothes shopping, dog store, picking up Rx, stop by the office, etc.)
- 3 pm - 6 pm = on your computer/phone (investment research, post on our social media for us, planning a trip, ordering things online, scheduling an appointment, organizing receipts & other bookkeeping, taking notes while listening in on a meeting or call, cooking us dinner, food prep for the dog, book us dinner reservations or schedule our "date nights", etc.)

Sat or Sun
- Take the dog to the beach before dropping him off at the dog groomer for a wash and blow out
- Sometimes you may need to help us with something over the weekend

REQUIREMENTS:
----------------------

* Written and spoken English language FLUENCY
* Able to maintain strict confidentiality
* No smokers (cigarettes, marijuana, other)
* No heavy drinkers (max of 5 drinks per week)
* No drug users
* No past criminal record
* Must love dogs and animals
* Valid drivers license (car will be provided if necessary for work) with experience driving in SF
* Experience with GSuite, MSOffice, Adobe Suite
* Experience with MacOS and iOS (computer and phone will be provided)
* Touch typing 60+ WPM
* Prior experience as dog owner
* No injuries or physical constraints that would impede your ability to rearrange furniture, lift a 40 lb dog up several flights of stairs, carry heavy grocery bags or luggage, etc.
* Able to swim well in the ocean (dog likes swimming; you may need to get him when he goes out too far)
* Able to protect a dog from being attacked by another dog
* Willing and happy to clean up occasional dog vomit and/or diarrhea

BONUS POINTS:
----------------------

* Multilingual
* Experience as a personal/executive assistant
* Experience with a high-maintenance dog (long haired, allergies, etc.)
* Experience with long hair in general (you have long hair and know how to brush tangled hair without causing pain)
* You are a great cook and know how to make both rich, savory vs. lean, healthy meals
* Enjoy giving manicures/pedicures
* Well-traveled
* Experience in high-end/luxury retail or hospitality industry
* Good eye for design and style
* Prior experience reviewing and negotiating contracts
* Prior experience with home redesign, remodel, contractor management
* Physically strong
* Lift weights and/or tone as exercise
* Practiced in self defense or fighting styles (you can protect someone who is in danger)
* You like fashion
* You watch GoT and/or Silicon Valley
* Former or current aquarium owner (know how to set up a tank and create an ecosystem)

RULES TO APPLY:
----------------------

1. Submit an email with the subject line: "[INSERT YOUR FULL NAME] + [INSERT YOUR WORST QUALITY]." We're confirming that you read the job description thoroughly, as well as breaking the ice by seeing if you're aware of how you're not perfect :p No one is so feel free to be candid :) If you don't follow that formula for the subject line, your email won't be opened.

2. With your computer webcam or handheld smartphone, record and attach a 5 min video of you answering ALL of the following: What did you like about this posting? Confirm if this posting applies to you 100% (including personality description, qualifications, schedule, responsibilities, etc.). Tell us in what way(s) you're not ideal for us (be transparent, no one is perfect and that's okay, bonus points for honesty). Have you been a personal assistant before? For who? What was a typical day? Why can you be trusted to care for a dog? Can you cook us delicious food? What else should we know about you?

3. In your email response, include these 4 social media profiles if you have them (LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram) so we can confirm your identity. Also, tell us where you live, how long would it take you to get to SoMa? Do you have a car? If so, what make, model and condition?

WARNING:
----------------------

If you don't follow #1 - 3 then you won't be considered for an interview.

THX FOR READING & WE LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU :

XOXO
Doodle Lovers
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Re: The Comedy of Craigslist

Postby Janeway on Sun Aug 13, 2017 1:44 pm

^haha i don't want that job but i'd love to acquire all those doodle lover qualities
Kayte wrote: i'm like, pour me a fucking synthohol bish.
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Re: The Comedy of Craigslist

Postby seanurban on Tue Oct 03, 2017 4:22 am

fess up, which one of you is catfishing us?

Looking for monogamy. (Lakewood)
body: fit
weight: 157
height: 5'9" (175cm)
status: single
age: 25

I don't go out too much, and enjoy staying home often and smoking pot. I'm Very laid back. Most of my focus is on music and sound in general. I enjoy Sound Engineering (vintage analogue sound), and I plan to go to collage to learn how to put together Synthesizers. One day I want to have my own brand.) My music tastes are very deep and thoughtful in its composition. (I do not like music with singing in it, no guitarists please! If you tell me you love EDM, I will not reply to your msg.) To name a few popular artists that I love; Aphex Twin, Squarepusher, U-Ziq(there are a lot more). I have no political stance and consider myself neutral in every aspect. I'm from Louisiana, and I like very spicy Food(Habanero - Jalokia). I do not drink alcohol, but on occasion, when the mood is right, I do. I like horror and dark themes. You could consider my style to be more like a goth/tom boy type. I also really love most all Comedy. My favorite comedians are; Louis CK, Joe Rogan, Dave Chapelle, George Carlin, and Rodney Dangerfield.

I'm looking for a guy who likes to stay fit and is roughly my age. (as in 5 years) A guy who likes to take care of himself. Working out and eating right is a big thing to me. I also want a guy who is highly sexual, but not expecting sex or kissing on the first date. I want to find a guy who understands my passions and aspirations. Hopefully, I find another producer who loves the challenge of a studio with analogue hardware.

If you wanna chat msg me!

let me know how it goes...
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Re: The Comedy of Craigslist

Postby N1ck on Tue Oct 03, 2017 8:22 am

Holy shit I hate those fucking San Francisco cunts.
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Re: The Comedy of Craigslist

Postby flanneljammies on Tue Oct 03, 2017 9:41 am

If you tell me you love EDM, I will not reply to your msg.) To name a few popular artists that I love; Aphex Twin, Squarepusher, U-Ziq


BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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Re: The Comedy of Craigslist

Postby the finger genius on Sat Nov 11, 2017 6:23 am

Wasn't sure if this belonged in eBay thread or here, so it can go in both.

https://www.ebay.com/itm/Neotek-Elite-3 ... 2034928590

We have had this Neotek Elite for 20 years. It has been a great desk.
Its Steve Albibi's favorite
["a poor man Neve" He told me so when I sold him a tube mic years ago] .
Great SYTEK Mic Pres in every channel
with 4 band full parametric EQ on each channel.
jimmy two hands wrote:Then we all log off internet and eat nachos. All is well.

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Re: The Comedy of Craigslist

Postby Major on Wed Nov 15, 2017 2:19 pm

Looking for a Musician Who Does Not Like Hillary

Image

Looking for a musician who does not like Hillary and would like to have some fun. I've got lyrics that will bring the house down and make Clinton lovers blow steam. Add your tune and go have fun with it. "Here's What Happened Hillary"
Reply and I'll send you the lyrics.

do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers


Patiently awaiting a response. Will post lyrics upon receipt.

https://houston.craigslist.org/muc/d/lo ... 42993.html

EDIT: Reply received

Here you go Bud. I hope you can have some fun with it.

Tom

____________________________________________

Here’s What Happened

by “Catfish Smith”



Eight years for Bill and eight more for Hills, That’s the way it was gonna be

The first woman President! She would go down in history

Eight more years of dreams and schemes, the Foundation would rake it in

But now she burns with bitterness ‘cause the voters elected a man



[chorus]

You lost the big one honey, …and it’s all on you

It’s wasn’t the media, Russians, Bernie or the F.B.I

It was all your fault, your arrogance, and your lies

We’re not deplorable Hillary, we just don’t like you



So kick back in your rocker Granny, count all that Foundation money

And spend time with Hubbell’s daughter while you can

‘Cause the election is over darling, You lost and you are through

Your public tantrums prove we did the right thing



[chorus]

You lost the big one honey, …and it’s all on you

It’s wasn’t the media, Bernie, Russians, or the F.B.I

It was all your fault, your arrogance, and your lies

We’re not misogynists Hillary, we just don’t like you
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Re: The Comedy of Craigslist

Postby Tommy on Thu Nov 16, 2017 11:44 am

Major wrote:
You lost the big one honey,
…and it’s all on you
It’s wasn’t the media, Bernie...,
Russians, or the Jews


If you change FBI to Jews (so it rhymes and is a little racist) it totally sounds like The Dead Milkmen. I can totally hear it to You'll Dance to Anything.
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Re: The Comedy of Craigslist

Postby Major on Thu Nov 16, 2017 11:48 am

Tommy wrote:
Major wrote:
You lost the big one honey,
…and it’s all on you
It’s wasn’t the media, Bernie...,
Russians, or the Jews


If you change FBI to Jews (so it rhymes and is a little racist) it totally sounds like The Dead Milkmen. I can totally hear it to You'll Dance to Anything.


Maybe the winner of The Monkees PRF Challenge could pick "Catfish Smith" next month.
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Re: The Comedy of Craigslist

Postby Boombats on Tue Nov 21, 2017 5:14 pm

More like the what-the-fuckness of eBay:

Image
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Re: The Comedy of Craigslist

Postby brephophagist on Tue Nov 21, 2017 6:17 pm

Boombats wrote:More like the what-the-fuckness of eBay:

Image

The plot thickens

Image
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Re: The Comedy of Craigslist

Postby Boombats on Tue Nov 21, 2017 7:52 pm

:shock:

I wonder how far down that rabbit hole goes...
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Re: The Comedy of Craigslist

Postby weezy on Tue Nov 21, 2017 8:05 pm

brephophagist wrote:
Boombats wrote:More like the what-the-fuckness of eBay:

Image

The plot thickens

Image



Image
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