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Postby itchy mcgoo on Thu Jun 08, 2006 1:37 pm

There's lots of funny on here, but there are couple of quotes that I think about frequently that really tickle me. Some of these things were written months ago yet I'm still laughing, often out loud, at their simple genius.

This laughing is quite a gift! I suspect all of us have things like that from "here". In return for this gift, I believe we should offer the covetted status of "PWN3D!-proof". I am not sure what that means, so please don't ask.

Onward:

1.
Rodabod wrote:
sunset_gun wrote:
stackmatic wrote:young stackmatic:

Image


There is something creepy about that smile.


You murdering motherfucker.


2.
AlBStern wrote:tightest diaper

oh, the imagery....

3.
Angus Jung wrote:Yo, Brett Eugene!

I didn't say enough 'bout your mom and the Colonel
Their action's too hot for Marquis de Sade's journal

She smells his ass coming, she gets down and begs
And he lays into her like some old chicken legs

Original reci-pees, that old coot "aims" to please
Yo mama, she laps it like sap from the trees

Then he does her "extra crispy" when he's knocking her boot
Ends up with "Santorum" on his clean white suit

Freakin' so hard, his string tie's all askew
Makin' gravy for the biscuits with his rancid man goo
(Mrs. Ralph-crabs in that beard of his, too)

ewwwww.


The "ewwwww"! It kills me!



Al, Rodabod & Angus. You are PWN3d! proof.
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Postby dabrasha on Fri Jun 09, 2006 12:38 pm

Some time ago I came across a review of Conrad's Heart of Darkness penned by one Rotten Tanx.

I shared it with friends in an English department, and they and I laughed for about a week.

I don't need to see it again, and I can't find it, but it's so perfect I'll never forget it.
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Postby Chapter Two on Fri Jun 09, 2006 12:44 pm

One that still gets me.

Brett Eugene Ralph wrote:
Chapter Two wrote:
Brett Eugene Ralph wrote:I always thought Steve Van Zandt's Sun City song was the best of the celebrity cause anthems because it wasn't slow and trite and depressing.
Five or ten times over fifteen years in academia, when I have been asked to emboil myself in some kind of bureaucratic nonsense that would seemingly compromise my punk rock upbringing or at least bore the shit out of me, I have responded initially by saying, "Uh uh--I ain't gonna play Sun City." Not once has a single person gotten it. Fucking Philistines.


Do you say this in a dry way or does it accompany some rock posturing, air guitar, finger in the air, "come on, lemme hear ya!" type behaviour?


Usually, I do a David Lee Roth-style spinning V-kick and high-tail it out of the room.
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...

Postby gio on Fri Jun 09, 2006 12:53 pm

This killed me the first time I saw it:

Mayfair wrote:
the_sicilian_guy wrote:HI!
i finish to record a band...
sounds great but there is some smoll clipping distortion in some place.When i pass from ''2 inches tape to cd i wrong the recording level...it's possible delete this problem with a mastering?
Thankyou.


Now THAT guy really has his fake italian down!


Huh? Oh.


The original guy who posted actually was sicilian, missed the context of the joke and took it personally... so Mayfair apologized... but man, it was worth it.
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Postby Chapter Two on Fri Jun 09, 2006 12:54 pm

dabrasha wrote:Some time ago I came across a review of Conrad's Heart of Darkness penned by one Rotten Tanx.

I shared it with friends in an English department, and they and I laughed for about a week.

I don't need to see it again, and I can't find it, but it's so perfect I'll never forget it.


Rotten Tanx wrote:Conrad sucks. Heart of Darkness, the abridged version: A bloke sails down a river, nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger, the horror.
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Postby night_tools on Fri Jun 09, 2006 12:55 pm

I could choose several quotes from Mr. Rimbaud III, but if I had to pick one, it would be this from the 'Smite Three Bands' thread.

Rimbaud III wrote:Maroon 5

What a band of spunkchuggers they are. The name says it all really; it's a crap colour and a crap number, and they really are a crap band. I would like to make this band more interesting by rearranging the lead singer's face with a spanner and setting the keyboard player's beard on fire.

Image

The Polyphonic Spree

For about five minutes this band's relentless joy felt refreshing. Then the robes started to get dirty - as they would do when you're having to shit in fields because the one toilet on the tour bus is backed up with all that bottom chocolate. I'm glad I saw them for what they were eventually: cultists with a mission to induce suicide through indie-chanting.
Here they are collecting an award for "Most Imaginative Massacre" with founding member David Koresh:

Image

Moby

I have had excursions to the toilet that are more musical than this man's output. His diet of monkey shit and petrol obviously impairs his ability to write anything interesting.

Image


This made me laugh for about ten minutes when I first saw it. Outstanding!

Salut!
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Postby Chapter Two on Fri Jun 09, 2006 1:00 pm

I'm pissed off with myself because there is one elusive post of Rimbaud's that has had me crying tears of the funny into my pillow as I've been falling asleep at night, but I can't bastarding remember what it is. At least there's a thread here for when I do remember.
Last edited by Chapter Two on Fri Jun 09, 2006 1:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby DrAwkward on Fri Jun 09, 2006 1:13 pm

This thread should be a sticky.
Stinky Pete wrote:BDSM is a bit like Queens of the Stone Age in that it's basically fine to be into, but a bit worrying if you're obsessed with it.

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Postby placeholder on Fri Jun 09, 2006 1:15 pm

I am to making "crackings up" about these thing, in C/NC thread of Fake Italian.

Bradley R. Montebianco wrote:But I am no so good to make of the talk of the fake italiano with mouth. I am to make of a sound of the vampire from the poland. Is no good.


"[V]ampire from the Poland." WTF? Is maybe funniest thing ever for to read. So nice phrase, these vampire from Poland.

gcbv wrote:also, last night, i learn that the dog of the house, he dont like fake chinese! i no lie to you now! i say to dog "come down here!" and he no come downstairs, then i say "kay nee o-wah! ching-tah!" and he bark and growl and run down to me all like an angry animal! i think this is so funny i do it all night, and again, the roommate, he think i get hit by rocks in secondary school too much.


So funny to making fake Chinese at the dog!

Salut, BRM and gcbv! Salut, beautiful people of Electrical Audio messages-board!
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Postby Bradley R. Weissenberger on Fri Jun 09, 2006 1:15 pm

In the "Ever been number one at anything?" thread, wheely wrote:My daughter gave me a shirt that says #1 Dad.

I have no reason to believe that she would lie to me.
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Postby Chapter Two on Fri Jun 09, 2006 1:18 pm

The only proper way to react to good news, by Mr Rotten Tanx:


Rotten Tanx wrote:
cjh wrote:Hoorah! It is terrifically exciting news, fireworks for the ears. I'll be there alright.

Kid, The Dirty Three play the Academy here on Monday 21st November if you've not already bought tickets for the London show? Truly our cup runneth over.


Holy motherfucking cockass bastarding shit tulips! That's my birthday.

I could kiss you on the wilson!

How did I not know that?

If I had legs I'd run around screaming.
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Postby Superking on Fri Jun 09, 2006 1:19 pm

The following post by Bradley R. Weissenberger made me laugh out loud very late at night. All the cats and humans in this apartment woke up.

Please follow the links, as they are key to the effect.

Bradley R. Weissenberger wrote:
burun wrote:Weirdly enough, Badjocks also posted pictures of Fordham's (my alma mater) women's Softball team's hazing.

It's all over the news here.

Since my mom works in the athletic department, she has been IM'ing me all day with updates as the heads roll.

I hope that these poor Fordham softball players survived this obviously traumatic ordeal.

Jesus, I've seen more sexual tension at a 4-H sheep showing.

You know, if this kind of collegiate silliness is a problem, then it's pretty much time for everyone to fuck right off.

By the way, if the photo below is evidence of hazing, then someone needs to arrest The Bitter Tears.

Image

P.S. Hey, hazers. Let's lose the cameras, huh?
Angus Jung wrote:Anyway, yeah, women, metal/heavy shit, 2012, everywhere.


The Hero of Love!
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Postby Angus Jung on Fri Jun 09, 2006 1:24 pm

run joe, run, shortly after the London bombings, wrote:I usually try not to post drunk but tonight is an exception.

Me and some friends have spent the night getting pissd and blasting AC/DC out as loud as we can. My friend is playing guitar solos on his crutches (not a bomb related injury). It is now 3.45 am. The music is loud.

In the absence of any coherent political insight, I would like to repeat what my crutch dependent friend shouted a few minutes ago:

"Let the fuckers try and bomb us while we're doing the Bad Boy Boogie!"

I must now return to my headbanging.

Salut, EA forum! You are a whole lot of woman!

Peace.

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Postby AlBStern on Fri Jun 09, 2006 1:36 pm

Intern_8033 responding to Steve's complaint about people speaking in passive voice.

Intern_8033 wrote:I don't actually know what passive voice is, I think I heard about it on the TV or the internet. I also don't know what postmodern is.
Grammar nitpicking drives me up the wall. It is one of those things that people very deliberately choose to get pissed off about. Historically it is done to establish a sense of superiority by someone who has a problem with how extremely not superior they are. The first thing Steve ever said to me was that line about not using "intern" as a verb, and I have hated him ever since. Also, keep in mind that this is a man who uses "Febreeze" as a verb like it's going out of style. Although it's a proper noun, it doesn't fall in the same category as "courtneying the toilet seat," that is, representing a concept that words cannot describe. "When you are done mopping, fucking febreeze the sofa," could just as easily be, "When you are done mopping, spray fucking Febreeze on the sofa." In his defense, however, I think it is fair to say that Febreeze has transcended our earthly rules of grammar.
I had a teacher in college who always pronounced "Hertz" and "deciBell" what he would call correctly, but I would call retardedly.
Justin from Queens, sorry I didn't respond to you about the social security number thing.

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Postby MTAR on Fri Jun 09, 2006 1:43 pm

ah yes!

i have her, the post that has made me laugh out loud, and this laughing out loud is a thing of rarity for me. i have taken many absences from thi forum over the course of the past 3 years since the grand opening, but i so glad that i was able to read and find this nugget of comedy, from a thread that is locked for eternity:

steve wrote:Quicksand! This is no to make the rank, but is story.

My beautiful girlfriend the Heather Whinna (ex-Silkworm band Produttora) and albiznonini, we go the Mont Saint Michele in the Francia. We are with the friends who are the actual French peoples. They are nice.

The Mont St Michele, she is middle-ages fortress monestary thing (I don't really know, and I am so don't care about it I don't even the Google!). She is on point of rock in the ocean, and she is only accessible at the lowest of the tide (otherwise is island! wtf?).

Between the rock monastery thing (I don't know, remember?) and the mainland is the quicksand marsh. Armand (he is the French) says the many guys they walk out on the quicksand and they don't come back ever! They are for the archeologisti of the future!

So, I am stupid. We know this. I am stupid. I walk out on the quicksand "just a little bit, to see..."

Okay, remember I am stupid.

I go away from the rock place maybe 10 feet, and is just like normal beach. I say to my friends and my girlfriend, "Hey. French people and my girlfriend, these quick sands, she isn't so scary! look! I walk on her like nothing!" and I walk maybe another 10 feets. I turn around and say, "look, she is nothing!"

My girlfriend the Heather, she is kind of freaking out. She is calling me to come back and not walk on the quick sands. Also she calls me stupid.

I stop to argue for to continue my exploring. This is the stupid part. When you (me!) stop the walking on the quick sands, this is when they are the quick. Che baccala! They are quick!

I am (stupid, remember?) now the frozen guy in the quick sands, and my feet are in the sands only due centimeteri. I pull on one foot, and she comes up a little, but when I try to put her out of the sands, the other foot, she goes down! When I try to put out the (now down quattro centimeteri) foot, the first foot, she goes down!

Now I am so scared. My girlfriend, she is calling me to come back. Also, she is calling me the asshole. Then the stupid asshole. She doesn't know now that I am for real stuck in the feet.

I bend down and scoop out some these quick cocksucking sandsfrom the foot, and I get the foot out. Then I try for the other foot. I also sit down to do it. I get them out, but trying to stand back up, che piedi del maiale! My ass is beginning to sink. And also my hands to push me up!

Okay, okay. I am fine. I did no die. But I am to be covered in wet mud.

I get back to the rock, and I am from the Heather Whinna asshole. Big asshole. Stupid asshole you could be dead fuck I am stranded here in Francia with the dead body under mud what do I do for a ride home you asshole. Look at you asshole what the fuck they say don't go the quicksand so you go asshole. How stupid is that I am to tell your friends no, he doesn't come home because the asshole is bury in the mud because they say don't go and he goes. So smart guy engineer guy goes to the quicksand and says, "hey, I made the Nirvana record, I can go the sand and not die I am big stupid asshole." And you no get the points so I get nothing did you even make the will for me to get everything? No? I told you to make the will so I get everything you are even more the asshole now. Asshole.

So this is the story.
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Postby Chapter Two on Fri Jun 09, 2006 1:44 pm

I remembered, and I'm afraid I got it wrong; it wasn't Rimbaud, not this time. Sorry Rimbaud.

It was that rabbit.


Adam CR wrote:
tommydski wrote:
the most important thing is to make sure you pronounce it correctly.
it's 'edinburg' not 'edinborough'.


Wise words.

Also, remember that it's considered the height of bad-manners to converse with an Edinburger without using the suffix 'Ya wee twat' to bookend questions, remarks etc.

"I say old chap, could you direct me to the castle of Edinburg ya wee twat?"
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Postby Ally In Exile on Fri Jun 09, 2006 3:05 pm

ahhh, the glory days.

my favorite post has always been this one by Tommy, in response to the How much can you bench? thread:

tommydski wrote:yeah that's pretty good going guys. could we also have you post how much you get laid, how much you earn a year and a picture of you freeing tibet?


golden work.



and this one, by Run Joe Run, was pretty funny too:
yut, if you want to see the guys in their tight gym shorts, just come right out and ask.
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Postby Arson Smith on Fri Jun 09, 2006 5:29 pm

First one she comes to my mind is this Peavey poll: viewtopic.php?t=4779

Many times I did shown this threads to the other peoples and so we laughed!
From silly? Or from truth? Both ways - makes funny.

"I too, the Peavey. For wail"
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Postby tommydski on Fri Jun 09, 2006 6:51 pm

so nice!
so nice to be mentioned with legends of ea forum! i am touched.

i have of course in the past made a habit of inappropriate brown-nosing on this forum to the despair of you all. i am sorry but this forum is a constant source of joy to me. like a great book that gets better and better and yet you can read it every day! so nice!

still, one of my favourite posts is now long-forgotten.
i refer to the great bradley r. weissenberger's sad but utterly hilarious contribution to the super kenny long ago -

bradley r. weissenberger wrote:Just Worse than the Just Worse: You are sitting at the bar in your local pub finishing your dinner and drinks. Just as you plan to leave, a departing customer steps up the bar and says to the bartender, "Merry Christmas. Oh, wait. Happy Holidays, or whatever it is 'they' make you say these days." The bartender and departing customer then get into a long discussion about how "they" have no respect for tradition, and how "they" are also taking over the country and ruining it for everybody. This conversation develops substantial momentum, and gets increasingly stupid and creepy. Seeing the need to leave immediately, you politely interrupt the discussion to ask the bartender if you might have your Jew tab because you've finished your Jew drinks and Jew dinner and you need to get your Jew self to your Jew home to tend to some Jew business. You ask the bartender if you may pay the tab with your Jew credit card.
run joe run wrote:Kerble your enthusiasm
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Postby Peripatetic on Mon Jun 12, 2006 12:26 pm

If I get around to it, I can probably dig up 50 kerble posts that have made me laugh. Here's one:

kerble wrote:We also got one from DeRogatis that said "we we hardly Dangerous or Adventurous, but cool nonetheless"

They're hardly rolling or made of stone, but....


Faiz


From the Your Band's Worst Reviews thread.
rysie wrote:The original dumb shit was so very nearly compressed
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