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Hilarious Joke

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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Janeway on Mon Oct 23, 2017 10:40 am

^haha gag'll, i knew geese were always cracking up about something.

opticians and samosas were my faves . and yoghurt and espresso and sex doll.


my joke on the street when i see parents is asking if i can pet their baby, and whether it's a boy or a girl.
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby travis k on Mon Oct 23, 2017 5:35 pm

What's the dumbest animal in the jungle ?
A polar bear.
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Podge9 on Wed Nov 01, 2017 6:56 am

“I bet you £50 I can name more cell types than you.”
“£50? Neuron!”

Just filmed the last scene of my ‘History of the soft tortilla” movie. That’s a wrap.

“I want ALL the rice” he said with avarice

The head of Vodafone got married at the weekend. The reception was terrible.

The head of Moss Bros is marrying the boss of Savile Row. They’re very well suited.

The amazing people who make physical items used on screen in TV and Movies – props to them.

“Oh my! You have a rabies-ridden dog too!? Cujos!”

My new theatre show about the ghosts of the royal family has got lots of boo kings so far.

“Worker who just walked through a picket line, I chose you!”
- Picking a scab

Just been playing “the floor is lava” with the kids. It’s one of the few fun things for them to do here in Pompeii

“That’s a way in which it’s done”
- Messed up Punch line

57% of doctors in surgery ask for a nurse to do something very quickly. Stat!

Which American security service are known for not washing their hands after pooping?
The Pinkeyetons

The missus is using ‘her indoors’ voice

My consortium’s pitch for buying Elvis’ estate was so brilliant! Loved my tender.

“Banging dance tunes and E’s, nevermore”
Quoth the raver

I asked one fisherman, he asked two others, they asked their friends and we eventually got my networking.

Concerned gangsters in hotels: get your molls checked out as soon as possible.

“When an eel bites your thigh
And the pain makes you cry
That’s a moray”

My friend is modest about framing his boxing awards. I told him to put ‘em up, put ‘em up

The scale model for my Titanic re-enactment show was built too robustly. It didn’t go down well.

Charlie
Fire
Hyacinth
KFC Family
Water
‘n’ spade
- My bucket list

My Spanish friend said they would never have got him into space on Apollo
Chicken!

“What do you know about this weird green rust on this copper pot?”
“It feels like you’re giving me the verdigris.”

“I’ve borrowed some ideas from a religious observance.”
“Lent?”
“Sorry, I’ve lent some ideas from a religious observance.”

I cast Bruce Willis in Die Hard which really launched his career. McClane to fame.
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby cal on Wed Nov 01, 2017 11:04 am

Nice ham you have there..

It'd be a shame if you put an 's' at the front of it and an 'e' at the end
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby stewie on Tue Nov 14, 2017 9:52 pm

What do you get if you cross human DNA with goat DNA?

Banned from the petting zoo
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Podge9 on Wed Nov 15, 2017 8:24 am

“Watson, I’m terribly constipated.”
“No shit, Sherlock.”

“Then I am flipping the strawberries with stick.” Said my French pal.
Unusual turn of fraise.

Vin Diesel has been fired from the new Fast and Furious film after hitting Rock’s bottom

If you think opticians should be toasted for preventing toddlers from grabbing their products, please raise your glasses.

Madame Tussauds was frustrated with the poor strength of her first paper based models until she was told that wax works.

Just saw a really old caterpillar trying to stand vertically. Looked like he was on his last legs

One thing you could say about Miss Daisy; she was very driven

I’ve started a uni degree on cannibalistic psychopaths. We’ve a specialist in the field coming in tomorrow. Looking forward to the Lecter

Why is it always more convenient for women to make trifle and tiramisu?
They have lady fingers.

Got a note through the door saying “Cut down the tree in your garden and I’ll give you £100.”
It was a scam. Can’t believe I fell for it.

Apparently, a machine joined up all the pieces of material to make these jeans. Or sew its seams

The head of HMRC has died. Sad cos I revenue him.

Just done 250 crunches at the gym. I love biscuits

My friend died whilst dancing under a metal bar. Now she’s stuck in limbo

Some white sugars are not very common. But brown sugars, demerara.
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby jimmy spako on Wed Nov 15, 2017 8:48 am

stewie wrote:What do you get if you cross human DNA with goat DNA?

Banned from the petting zoo


:D
Isabelle Gall wrote:'Do not go smoothly into that dark night'


the preterite
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby The MayorofRockNRoll on Thu Nov 16, 2017 3:28 pm

A man purchased a parrot from a dodgy pet store. Upon bringing it home, he'd discovered to his dismay that the parrot would utter nothing but an endless stream of profanity. This especially upset the man because he was rather prudish in nature, and was decidedly sensitive to uncouth language. He'd warned the parrot a few times to stop cursing, and the parrot responded by doubling down on it. In a fit of rage, the man grabbed the parrot and shook him, resulting in even more coarse language at a higher volume. Frustrated, the man threw the parrot in his freezer.

After a few minutes, the man regretted his action. He'd hoped he hadn't killed his parrot by freezing him. He opened the freezer and the parrot flew out. The parrot said, "Sir, I offer my deepest apologies for my language and behavior. My earliest language lessons were from unruly youths who'd solicit in the store, rewarding me with Saltines for every foul utterance. However, that's no excuse, and I promise you that no more such filth will pass through my beak."

The man told the parrot he really appreciated it. The parrot responded by saying, "I do feel a need to ask, however...what, exactly, did the chicken do?"
I am a weird recluse only here for sex.

PRF Short Fiction Challenge

The staff weren't giving me the things I needed to do my job effectively and give the kids their money's worth...it wasn't too hard considering the concert was only $5
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby first2letters on Thu Nov 16, 2017 9:00 pm

travis k wrote:What's the dumbest animal in the jungle ?
A polar bear.


This has been a hit with my kids. Salut, fellow dad-joker.
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby alex maiolo on Wed Dec 06, 2017 6:43 pm

dontfeartheringo wrote:If $100 is too much for you to spend on a microphone maybe you should find a new hobby. People like you seem to like Magic: The Gathering a lot.
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Podge9 on Thu Dec 07, 2017 10:56 am

I always left my dad alone when he stood at the rear of ships . He was a stern man
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Anthony Flack on Thu Dec 07, 2017 3:45 pm

I met a dude who said he used to be in Dogstar. I said are you sirius
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Anthony Flack on Fri Dec 15, 2017 11:44 pm

Why did the president go to the toilet?
Because he was pootin'
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Janeway on Mon Jan 22, 2018 1:10 pm

i always think of drawing butter like martha stewart dropped everything inthe middle of cooking up tahknsgiving dinner to go draw a picture of butter. i actually dont know what it really means, my guess is heated and fltered butter? lets see...

yeah pretty much you boil it and skim the fun off the top
https://www.marthastewart.com/314695/drawn-butter

listen i'll take any leftover butter foam these butter artists arent using in their butter drawings, thats butter bubbles you can put in a milk bath and make your skin really soft, no joke you wanna moisturize its all about butters, not lotions or oils even. shea butter, cocoa butter, and drawn butter foam.

hint:when youre cooking and you clean butter off a butterknife, rub it into your hands first and then soap up and rinse and its like premoisturizing.

heres my 2 jokes i made up when i was 14:
knock knock
whos there
asbestos
asbestos who?
im trying to knock on this door asbestos i can

knock knock
whos there
massuese
massuese who
massuese are untied

:smt006
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Anthony Flack on Mon Jan 22, 2018 4:00 pm

Never heard of "drawn butter". It's the same thing as clarified butter?
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Janeway on Mon Jan 22, 2018 4:38 pm

^haha the exact same thing. i didn’t know either i just walked around calling it drawn butter. because you draw out the butter from the butter?

there’s some movie with ben afflecks ex wife called butter but it tried so hard to be twee nobody even knew it existed.
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby strangeone on Wed Jan 24, 2018 6:10 am

Why do women love Jesus ?

He was hung like this ! (arms stretched wide)
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby stewie on Fri Feb 02, 2018 10:48 pm

How do you execute an Amish person?

With an acoustic chair
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Pasta on Sat Feb 03, 2018 7:39 am

stewie wrote:How do you execute an Amish person?

With an acoustic chair



Seriously laughing at 448 am
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Adam Sr on Sun Feb 04, 2018 2:49 pm

phpBB [media]
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