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Hilarious Joke

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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Janeway on Wed Jul 05, 2017 8:46 am

Speedie wrote:Three men arrive in Heaven at the same time, and St. Peter comes out to greet them.
“Sorry about this, guys,” says St. Peter, “God didn’t realize just how many people would get into Heaven, so we have a new policy. You now have to tell me the story of how you died, and if I think it’s sad or interesting enough, I’ll let you in.”
He walks up to the first man who is a nerdy, bookish sort in a bad business suit and says, “Tell me your story.”
“Okay,” says the man. “I thought I had a wonderful life. I had a beautiful wife and we had a lovely place on the 34th floor of an apartment building. I came home from work early today, and I saw my beautiful wife sleeping naked in bed. Then I saw another man’s clothes on the floor! So of course I started looking for the bastard who slept with my wife.”
The man continues, “Like I said, I lived in an apartment. There weren’t that many places to hide, but I couldn’t find him anywhere! Just when I was about to go confront my wife, I see him. The bastard was hiding outside the window, holding on to the windowsill. I go up to him and started stomping on his hands over and over again, but he wouldn’t let go. I finally kicked him in the face and he fell.
Unfortunately, he landed on a bush and bounced to safety. In my anger, I grabbed my refrigerator and threw it out after him. However, the cord from the refrigerator wrapped around my leg and pulled me to my death.”
St. Peter nods and says, “Your story is acceptable. Welcome to Heaven.”
He goes to the second man, a brawny working-man type, and says, “What’s your story?”
“I’m a window cleaner,” says the man, “I’ve been a window cleaner for over 20 years. Well today, I’m cleaning the windows of the 35th floor of this apartment building when my scaffolding breaks. I thought I was going to die, but I manage to catch myself on the windowsill of the story below.”
The man continues, “All of a sudden this maniac comes out and starts mashing my fingers. I try my best to hold on, but he kicks me in the face and I fall. Once again, I thought I was going to die, but I land on this hedge and bounce away, no worse for the wear. I look up and BOOM. Dead. Last thing I saw was a refrigerator.”
St. Peter holds back a chuckle and lets him into Heaven. He goes to the third man, a ridiculously handsome fellow with sandy-blonde hair, and asks, “What’s your story?”
“Alright,” says the third man, “Imagine me naked… in a refrigerator.”



a woman receives vip access into hell for killing four souls with one body, bypassing the line of heaven's rejects.
Last edited by Janeway on Wed Jul 05, 2017 9:37 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Janeway on Wed Jul 05, 2017 8:50 am

^cause there's no way some lady got three folks killed with one fridge and she wasn't poisoned in the bed or killed herself later for the morals of the story. that lady didn't get off that easy, no way. she got the "hell's doofus" award.
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby jimmy two hands on Tue Jul 11, 2017 11:50 am

Knock-knock!

Who's there?

Banana.

Banana who?

Knock-knock!

Ah, my good friend Banana Knock-knock! Please come in! Would you like some coffee?
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Anthony Flack on Tue Jul 11, 2017 4:43 pm

Sorry, for a minute I thought it was those fucking Banana Jehovah's Witnesses back again.
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby CarjackFairy on Sun Aug 20, 2017 3:57 pm

Kindly elderly comrade walk into bar. Bartender, he ask for choice of alcoholic beverage, a vodka tonic but not important to joke. Bartender chuckles and say "I have heard very good joke today on Soviet State Televisions, would you like to hear?" Man finishes his drink. He say " No, life is too short for such jokings. I must leave now. " Kindly man he pay for drink with old rubles (of one is 1967 Lenin commemorative ruble but is not important detail to joke) and hurries out creaky old swinging red door, back into cold snowy winter night. As he cross street is suddenly struck by Soviet car. Is possibly brown Trabant 601 of roughly 9 years age but car detail is not of importance. Driver of car he jump out and look at kindly old man now dead in street, his body crumpled over red crimson in fresh snow, leg twisted around his back like American Stretch Armstrong toy chewed by angry dog with too much hate in his icy dog heart, is not important to joke though. Driver begins to laugh. Because life is cruelest joke of all. /joke
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby CarjackFairy on Sun Aug 20, 2017 4:00 pm

a young woman walks into a bar. The bartender smiles and says "Ma'am I have the funniest joke ever told. Would you like to hear it?" Woman nods her head and takes a seat. The bartender continues "Ok ma'am here it goes..A young woman walks into a bar. the bartender smiles and says 'Ma'am I have the funniest joke ever told. Would you like to hear it?' Woman nods her head and takes a seat. The bartender continues 'Ok ma'am here it goes...A young woman walks into a bar. The bartender smiles and says "Ma'am I have the funniest joke ever told. Would you like to hear it?" Woman nods her head and takes a seat. The bartender continues " Ok ma'am here it goes...A young woman walks into a bar. The bartender smiles and says 'Ma'am I have the funniest joke ever told. Would you like to hear it?' The woman shakes her head no and vomits.
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby The MayorofRockNRoll on Sun Aug 20, 2017 6:46 pm

^yes and yes
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby stewie on Sat Sep 09, 2017 9:58 pm

My friend David had his ID stolen last week


Now he's just known as Dav
Last edited by stewie on Tue Sep 26, 2017 9:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Podge9 on Mon Sep 11, 2017 10:26 am

Been a while since I posted here. All my own work (or I stole them off other people if you think they're bad)


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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Podge9 on Mon Sep 11, 2017 10:27 am

stewie wrote:My friend David had his ID stolen last week


Now he's just knows as Dav


Nice
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Janeway on Mon Sep 11, 2017 1:44 pm

Podge9 wrote:Been a while since I posted here. All my own work (or I stole them off other people if you think they're bad)


Give up something I love for lent for 40 days? Jesus Christ, what’s that all about!?

I like looking at one clock then another, from time to time

Just stormed out of a terrible hippy shop through a cloud of patchouli and f*cking ylang ylang. Never been so incensed!

“Gross! Your skin is rough and hard from friction!”
He said callously.

Argh, just realised I missed out a single item in a recent order from my new flower delivery service. Have sent it by courier.
UPS a daisy

Just checked with my army mate over walkie-talkie if my scoring from our big match last night was correct. He agreed, 10-4.

just Bought!, myself “a” new. bad grammarphone?

“I will dust!” He pledged.

Wizard accessory manufacturers announce staff shortages


haha :smt005 double points for posting this when everyone needed a laugh because of terrorism and hurricanes.
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby gaetano on Wed Sep 13, 2017 4:34 pm

An Italian who had migrated to Holland goes on a visit to his little hometown, back in ol' Italia.

He bumps into an old friend while in town, and they start talking:

"Wow! Look at you, you're dressed all fine, and check out that Rolex! You made good business in Holland, haven't you?"

"Yes, but that took a lot of hard work. Well...see, Mario, my friend...Holland is a very emancipated country, they're not all catholic like here...well...you know....I run a brothel there. Yes, a brothel. See, I bought a three-storey house there: on the first floor you find girls in their 20's, second floor it's milfs in their 50's, and third floor is for gay people. I hope my profession does not bother you"

"Not at all, Gianni. And how many people work there?"

"Dozens now, but we had humble beginnings like anyone" he gets all pensive and a bit misty "see..a family operated business...at first we were only me, my wife and my daughter"
Last edited by gaetano on Sat Sep 16, 2017 9:47 am, edited 5 times in total.
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Janeway on Thu Sep 14, 2017 9:40 am

an irish guy laughing into his beer thought he was hott shit teasing italins from all the way up there on the rooftop makin fun like they're the only ones who know how to build houses when, excuse me, it's called ancient rome and it takes more than one day and at least our ruins were from our backbreaking work whereas you have to let fairies and aliens or whoever else magic erect yours for you because you all don't know how to get properly stone henged. that's who.
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Podge9 on Thu Sep 21, 2017 7:35 am

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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Otto Parts on Thu Sep 21, 2017 3:00 pm

A pedophile serial killer is leading a little boy by the hand into the forest. It's late in the day and getting dark, and the wind is blowing and owls are hooting and leaves are rustling and twigs are cracking under foot, and the little boy says "I'm scared." The pedophile serial killer says "YOU'RE scared? I'm going to have to walk out of here all by myself!"
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Pasta on Thu Sep 21, 2017 8:14 pm

^ a wordier version of one of my all time favourite awful jokes.
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby djimbe on Thu Sep 21, 2017 8:33 pm

Pasta wrote:^ a wordier version of one of my all time favourite awful jokes.


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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Speedie on Fri Sep 29, 2017 1:36 am

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Kristian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten".
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted".
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old friend.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old chums simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin gradually realised that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again".
Kristian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner".
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed..."
"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Kristian"......
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby aldofarian on Fri Sep 29, 2017 3:53 am

What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones?








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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Podge9 on Mon Oct 23, 2017 5:53 am

Having a go at writing these one-liners as a bit of a side hobby. If you like and want to see more, I'm on Twitter as @I_dun_a_joke



Tonight, I’m watching that documentary about new developments in racing car aerodynamics.
No spoilers please!

My mate just improved a graph I created, defining what each coloured line represents.
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Saudi Arabia’s driving ban on women is to be lifted. Saudi women hope the decision wont be reversed, brought forward a bit and reversed again

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Tonight, it’s my turn to write our slogan on the company’s helicopter blades. That’s what it says on the rota

Which crop gives you the worst headaches? Wheat’s my grain.

Debut appearance at the world crowbar championships. First prise!

Back from the local goose showroom. Just went for a gander

And if that joke about a group of geese didn't cheer you up, no gag'll

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“..and that gets rid of the rough wood and it becomes smooth. Understand, sweetheart?”
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There’s been a mix up with my holiday to bali so I think I’m going to bail.

Just saw a nun chewing on her dirty clothes. Disgusting habit

I absorb savoury Indian snacks through samosis

Just seen a man exchanging some lozenges at the chemist. He’s changed his Tunes I thought

There’s a new Belgian music festival held in Flanders. It’s like Glastonbury but much poppier

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I’ve been swimming in yoghurt, you know, getting in Shape

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“Roadkill”
“Ah ok, carrion then”

“Swedish, Danish, Norwegian, Icelandic..”
“But what about..”
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The best country for espresso and hot water is America, no?

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