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Headlines That Make 'The Onion' Appear Obsolete

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Headlines That Make 'The Onion' Appear Obsolete

Postby Chromodynamic on Mon Oct 22, 2007 4:49 pm

I saw the following headline over at the IMDB:

"Kid Rock Arrested in Waffle House Fight"
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Postby AlBStern on Mon Oct 22, 2007 5:25 pm

I was looking around at an old house in Berwyn the other day. One of the rooms had shelves lined with Chicago Tribunes from the 1930s. This headline seemed as Onion-esque as they come.
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Postby CJMcG on Mon Oct 22, 2007 5:40 pm

As long as The Onion is still doing articles like this, I doubt it will become obsolete.
That is until The Onion stories start becoming true.
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Postby enframed on Mon Oct 22, 2007 6:02 pm

Christopher J. McGarvey wrote:As long as The Onion is still doing articles like this, I doubt it will become obsolete.
That is until The Onion stories start becoming true.


they've become true already. i recall one article with the headline "Area Man Bored with Porn Collection."
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Postby iembalm on Mon Oct 22, 2007 6:32 pm

My dad mailed me a sports page from the L.A. Times a couple years ago. Referring to a bad outing by an Angels pitcher, the headline read "Colon Absorbs Another Pounding."
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Postby Foldyourarmsandsaynah on Mon Oct 22, 2007 9:12 pm

enframed wrote:
Christopher J. McGarvey wrote:As long as The Onion is still doing articles like this, I doubt it will become obsolete.
That is until The Onion stories start becoming true.


they've become true already. i recall one article with the headline "Area Man Bored with Porn Collection."


That's about true enough to me, anyway.
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Postby Foldyourarmsandsaynah on Mon Oct 22, 2007 9:13 pm

iembalm wrote:My dad mailed me a sports page from the L.A. Times a couple years ago. Referring to a bad outing by an Angels pitcher, it read "Colon Absorbs Another Pounding."


"And Randy The Big Unit Johnson goes hard and inside to Pujols! And Pujols turns on it and jacks it!"
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Postby Lemuel Gulliver on Sat Feb 09, 2008 6:42 pm

Landocalrissian got pinched. Here.
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Postby lemur68 on Sat Feb 09, 2008 7:07 pm

Lemuel Gulliver wrote:Landocalrissian got pinched. Here.


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Jesus, this is the Space Ace by Don Bluth of internet intrigue.
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Postby The Code is Almighty on Sun Feb 10, 2008 2:37 am

jimmy two hands wrote:You can tell someone is a Grade-A asshole if the Muppets don't like them.
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Postby CJMcG on Sun Feb 10, 2008 2:59 am

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Postby AnthonyVillalobos on Sun Feb 10, 2008 7:53 am

Waffle house fight?


Wow.


Michigan must be intense nowadays.
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Postby RBoyer on Sun Feb 10, 2008 12:28 pm

Vice is a crappy magazine, but there's an article in a recent issue about a crime magazine in Mexico. In it, the editor referred to a story about a teacher whose husband shot her dead in front of her students. The headline?

"He Gets an A in Homicide."
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Postby DrAwkward on Sun Feb 10, 2008 12:36 pm

Lemuel Gulliver wrote:Landocalrissian got pinched. Here.


In the story his name is spelled "Landocalrissan." So either the newspaper committed a typo, or this guy's parents are even bigger fucking idiots.
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Postby lemur68 on Sun Feb 10, 2008 2:52 pm

DrAwkward wrote:
Lemuel Gulliver wrote:Landocalrissian got pinched. Here.


In the story his name is spelled "Landocalrissan." So either the newspaper committed a typo, or this guy's parents are even bigger fucking idiots.


I'm under the impression that Landocalrissian is his first name.

So, yes, the parents have guaranteed that they're not getting grandchildren.
big_dave wrote:This is just about finding a dorky selfie on his blogspot?

Jesus, this is the Space Ace by Don Bluth of internet intrigue.
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Postby DrAwkward on Sun Feb 10, 2008 3:41 pm

lemur68 wrote:
DrAwkward wrote:
Lemuel Gulliver wrote:Landocalrissian got pinched. Here.


In the story his name is spelled "Landocalrissan." So either the newspaper committed a typo, or this guy's parents are even bigger fucking idiots.


I'm under the impression that Landocalrissian is his first name.

So, yes, the parents have guaranteed that they're not getting grandchildren.


I know that's his first name, but look again, Lemur. It's missing an 'i' in the article.
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Postby ERawk on Sun Feb 10, 2008 4:58 pm

Well, it is the Poughkeepsie Journal so I wouldn't put it past them committing a typo. I wouldn't put it past the parents being morons either. Plus, it sounds like he's got a baby momma in Schenectady (family court warrant in Schenectady Co.). So much for guaranteeing virginity.
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Postby vockins on Sun Feb 10, 2008 5:06 pm

This same paper had a headline in their sports recruiting sidebar this week that read, "Rape Orally Committed to Duke."

One of the quotes was, "'I'm excited about the opportunity,' said Rape."
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Postby Arson Smith on Sun Feb 10, 2008 8:24 pm

vockins wrote:

This same paper had a headline in their sports recruiting sidebar this week that read, "Rape Orally Committed to Duke."

One of the quotes was, "'I'm excited about the opportunity,' said Rape."

Excited? To be sure. Let's review the Triangle of Crime:

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(er, um... Skills? Oof.)
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Postby DazeyDiver on Tue Feb 12, 2008 5:20 pm

Ty Webb wrote:Hieronymous Bosch buttfuck


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