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Re: dadness

PostPosted: Tue Aug 01, 2017 11:32 am
by blackmarket
the finger genius wrote:The father of a friend of my son committed suicide last week. Our son is 4. Anybody have any useful advice on how to present this kind of stuff to a 4 year old? So far we've told him that his friend's dad died, he asked how and we said we didn't know, but not sure how long that will hold up. We are planning to take him to the wake tonight with the hope that it might be a nice thing for the little girl who lost her dad.

Anyway, hug your kids, take some deep breaths, and try to end each day in the plus column.


I don't know if I have any useful advice to offer, but we and our four year old son have recently gone through something similar. My wife's father passed recently. Just couple of weeks ago, actually. He was taken down by a very rare and fast-acting brain disease, called Prion. He went from being the healthiest 70 year old man I had ever known, in mind and in body, to wasting away unable the eat or drink, inside of eight weeks. Technically, he died of the disease, but not having the ability to consume any food or water for more than seven days, I consider it basically a starvation death. The saddest thing I have ever seen. It wasn't overnight, like a suicide, but it almost seemed that quick.

My experience is that kids are smarter than we give them credit for at this age. I spent a week and a half, alone, trying to explain the situation to my son. Trying to explain, not why, but that grandpa was sick. Trying to explain death and dying as clearly as I could. Fuck, that was hard. But anyway, I didn't dumb it down for him, and I think he understands to the best of his abilities. He has seen pet animals in the house pass, so he knows that things die. It's different when it's your grandpa - and your best friend.

Not wanting to dumb any of this down for him, we brought him to the full wake with us. It was mostly him running around among family and outside. No pressure to engage with the reality of the situation. We took him out of school to attend the funeral. Unsurprisingly, he didn't want to engage with the long catholic funeral service much. He did see quite a bit of it, though, and was cognizant of what was happening. At the grave site there were questions about why he was going into the ground - me: because that is what he wanted - WHY? - me: because he wanted to be returned to the earth. I feel like we did the right thing by not shielding him from anything, letting him engage at his own pace, and on his own terms. He does talk about dying often now, so I am not entirely sure. DEATH is a huge concept that a four year old shouldn't have to be engaging with. But, here we are. It has only been about three weeks. He doesn't want to die because his eye balls will fall out of his head and it will hurt. Is Grandpa a skeleton yet? Am I going to die? I don't want you to die, because then I will be all alone with no one to take care of me. He slips up and corrects himself mid sentence, often with a little laugh, when talking about going to Grandma and Grandpa's house. It's all very matter of fact. He has not cried that I have seen. We have tried to assure him that he is young, that we are young, and that none of us is going any where any time soon. I tell him he has a very long life ahead of him. That, yes, he very well might live to be one hundred. He has been taking all of it surprisingly well, thought it is super-depressing to hear this very young child talk about how he misses his grandpa, how he misses that fact that he won't be there to play with him anymore...'but...it's OK, I can always play by myself'. FUUUCK.

I am not entirely sure if being as honest and as transparent as possible was the correct thing to do, but it is what we did. I think it is important that pressure is minimal. Let him play with his friend at the wake if that is all they want to do. The details of the death are unimportant, so I wouldn't have gone into details about a suicide. He probably won't ask again. Our son doesn't know much about the sickness, as it is unimportant to the overall experience. He hasn't asked about it at all. Kids can be different, so YMMV. You know them better than anyone.

Re: dadness

PostPosted: Tue Aug 01, 2017 12:01 pm
by Teacher's Pet
blackmarket, I think you did the right thing, good for you. I agree that kids can handle this stuff better than people think. (Maybe better than grownups.)

tfg: I recall that somebody in this thread had a somewhat similar incident in their local/pre-school community a year ago or so. There might be some relevant discussion a few pages back. It's difficult, I am sure. Hang in there.

Re: dadness

PostPosted: Tue Aug 01, 2017 1:17 pm
by yard barf
A friend of mine told her kids that the ice cream truck only plays music when he's out of ice cream. She posted a video of them watching the truck go down the street, with them complaining, "he's ALWAYS out of ice cream."

Re: dadness

PostPosted: Tue Aug 01, 2017 1:58 pm
by Teacher's Pet
That is diabolical.

They are gonna find out the truth one day, what then?

Re: dadness

PostPosted: Thu Aug 03, 2017 7:00 am
by Janeway
uhh... are you sure you're not talking about your pal janeway and her southern belle grandma raising her and her sister to think that the ice cream truck was out of ice cream when it plays music? somebody kerble me or can i at least get an alleluia?

Re: dadness

PostPosted: Fri Aug 04, 2017 6:19 am
by Janeway
i'll kerble myself with another story cause you know what? folks repeat themselves haha so go ahead and be the kind of dadnesses that don't hide crying from their kids.

even though he wasn't part of my life very often, i still managed to witness my sasquatch dad cry in front of me and it was humanizing and no different to witness publicly than if he was laughing and then since he actually started laughing and being silly right away again after it was just like... that's how you teach your kids emotions and tough times. you teach them not to hide their sorrow and how to process their feelings well enough to be happy again

my dad was crying because of me. it was the only time he'd ever spanked me and the guilty tears brought forth were way more plentiful than the one little pat on the bottom i got haha that i wasn't even crying about. he just didn't know how to get me to stop telling everyone in line at mcdonald's that he farted.

Re: dadness

PostPosted: Fri Aug 04, 2017 1:28 pm
by Janeway
haha and dadnesses, don't hide your music from your kids even if they seem not to get it
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cause sometimes your daughters actually go for it and absorb the music and didn't even need a dick to help them find it cool.

Re: dadness

PostPosted: Wed Aug 23, 2017 6:31 pm
by the finger genius
Image

Re: dadness

PostPosted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 4:59 pm
by travis k
Kiddo destroying the boys in gym
Class. Fastest wind sprint in her grade (6th) and longest sit up endurance challenge. This will all change soon I'm sure. But right now she's the queen !!! (She's been training soccer all summer while the boys play video games and summer in the Hamptons or whatever the fuck.)

Re: dadness

PostPosted: Sat Sep 30, 2017 3:33 pm
by flytox
flytox wrote:
Tom wrote:Flytox, congrats! Good luck!


Thank you! Good news today, doctor saw a heartbeat...which minimizes a lot of first risks as I was told. Feeling of relief at first. Strange feelings thereafter.

No matter if girl or boy...her or his first name is going to begin with a J...so working title is J now.


One and a half days to go...on Monday HE will be here. I´m fucking shitting my pants. So many crazy thoughts. "Me...a father???" being one of them. Everything will be fine, right?

Right? :-?

Re: dadness

PostPosted: Sun Oct 01, 2017 11:48 pm
by hylje
flytox wrote:
One and a half days to go...on Monday HE will be here. I´m fucking shitting my pants. So many crazy thoughts. "Me...a father???" being one of them. Everything will be fine, right?

Right? :-?


We are about to leave to the hospital soon. So right there with you mr. flytox. I've kept my cool, but couldn't really sleep last night. If not today SHE will be here soon. Fuuuuuck!

Re: dadness

PostPosted: Mon Oct 02, 2017 1:06 am
by jimmy spako
flytox wrote:
flytox wrote:
Tom wrote:Flytox, congrats! Good luck!


Thank you! Good news today, doctor saw a heartbeat...which minimizes a lot of first risks as I was told. Feeling of relief at first. Strange feelings thereafter.

No matter if girl or boy...her or his first name is going to begin with a J...so working title is J now.


One and a half days to go...on Monday HE will be here. I´m fucking shitting my pants. So many crazy thoughts. "Me...a father???" being one of them. Everything will be fine, right?

Right? :-?


I know we have tangled before, so you may not want to hear it from me, but I was very worried like you during the pregnancy. It was our only shot due to age, we wouldn't have tried again and adoption would not have worked out for us (you probably know how hard it is in Germany depending on a number of factors). I was so relieved a couple days after the birth. I am happy for you that you are just a couple days away now.

Everything will be cool. It can be super intense. They do not tell you ahead of time how crazy the normal stuff is, like I had never heard of them essentially giving the baby shoves by pressing very firmly on the mother's stomache during final contractions. Our little guy had to be pulled out with the suction thing and the doctor was shoving hard, apparently he kept climbing back in between contractions, it was pretty dramatic to say the least ;-) But I seemed far more traumatized than him minutes after he joined us outside.

Good luck to both of you.

It's almost enough to make you a believer, against your better judgement. It's the greatest.

Re: dadness

PostPosted: Wed Oct 04, 2017 11:15 am
by flytox
My son Jonas came into my life on Monday. Everything is great right now.

hylje wrote: We are about to leave to the hospital soon. So right there with you mr. flytox. I've kept my cool, but couldn't really sleep last night. If not today SHE will be here soon. Fuuuuuck!


So? How did it go? Is everything okay?

jimmy spako wrote:I know we have tangled before, so you may not want to hear it from me, but I was very worried like you during the pregnancy.


Christians like us know how to forgive, right?
Kidding. No ire here, brother.

jimmy spako wrote: You probably know how hard it is in Germany depending on a number of factors.


Yes, I heard so from a friend. I used to think everybody could walk into the orphanage and pick the child he´d like to adopt. It´s crazy! There are children without parents and couples who would love to have a child...and they can not be brought together for some stupid administrative reasons.

jimmy spako wrote:Everything will be cool. It can be super intense. They do not tell you ahead of time how crazy the normal stuff is, like I had never heard of them essentially giving the baby shoves by pressing very firmly on the mother's stomache during final contractions. Our little guy had to be pulled out with the suction thing and the doctor was shoving hard, apparently he kept climbing back in between contractions, it was pretty dramatic to say the least ;-) But I seemed far more traumatized than him minutes after he joined us outside.

Good luck to both of you.


Thank you very much, man. You´re so right. This is nothing to be prepared for. Months of waiting and pondering and failing to get into "that state of mind"...and then it happens and it takes a few moments to realize what is going on. And two days later you can not imagine to live without it anymore. It IS the greatest. It´s pure love. It sweeps all cynicism away. Good luck to both of you, too. Seems like little C-Rae has brought a lot of light into your life.

Re: dadness

PostPosted: Wed Oct 04, 2017 5:24 pm
by night_tools
Woo hoo! Congratulations man!

We're expecting in March so I will be lurking on this thread a bit more (and re-visiting it for wisdom).

Re: dadness

PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2017 3:15 am
by Luzwei
So this is Luna. She 4,5 years old. And she's making me a hairdo.

Image

Time fucking flies.

Re: dadness

PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2017 4:39 am
by Model Citizen
night_tools wrote:Woo hoo! Congratulations man!

We're expecting in March so I will be lurking on this thread a bit more (and re-visiting it for wisdom).


Awesome, congratulations! And welcome Jonas! Luz I can't believe Luna is that old already, she's a really cute kid.

My son is two and loves dinosaurs. My wife buys him dinosaur pasta and there's like hundreds of them in a bowl. At mealtime he'll carefully pick up each one and ask me what kind of dinosaur it is before eating it, takes us like an hour to eat while I say Triceratops, Diplodocus, etc.

I started messing around and calling them doyouthinkhesaurus, poopysaurus, Frank, John, and the like until I realised he's taking all this stuff seriously so now I research different dinosaur types to tell him at meals.

Re: dadness

PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2017 6:00 am
by Luzwei
Yup, and thank you Adam. And she's more fluent and fluid in English than me.

Apropos pasta, she only eats spaghetti. We tried with Mickey and Princess themed, even with Dinosaurs. So yeah. We can't make her eat anything other shaped than spaghetti.

Kids. They grow up so fast.

Re: dadness

PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2017 8:29 am
by hylje
We're still in the hospital. Because of some placenta stuff doctors decided it would be best to get the baby out little earlier. We got to the maternity ward on Monday. Long story short: still here, the baby is fine but just not born yet. When she's out they will monitor her at least for one night because of some heart stuff. It's been a bit too exciting 9 months.

Maybe I'll write more coherent and informative post after I get some sleep.

Re: dadness

PostPosted: Sat Oct 07, 2017 4:32 pm
by hylje
Soooo, the baby was born yesterday evening! Three days of induced labor! Lots of fun!

Holy hell the baby is beautiful and magical. I spent most of today just holding her and watch her sleep.
They are still in the hospital, baby and her mother. They'll be there at least until Monday.

Nope, can't write any more coherent stuff. Sorry about that.

Re: dadness

PostPosted: Sat Oct 07, 2017 5:10 pm
by Luzwei
CONGRATS DAD!!! PLEASE DON'T KILL YOURSELF NOW!!!