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Attacked! by Anxiety!

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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby MJongo on Wed Jan 24, 2018 7:06 pm

I don’t even know the difference between depression and anxiety anymore. I just can’t get myself to even try. I know I’m gonna have an anxiety attack at my new job as a delivery driver sooner than later and I know that I’m going to panic and quit on the spot or something and I know I’m going to disappoint all my friends and family yet again. I just can’t make it in this world. I have exactly two friends that I share taste in music with (one of the couple interests left that I still get a little happiness from) and one of them never wants to hang out anymore and the other lives 50 miles away. I know this is weird to ask here but if anyone here lives in/near Akron or Cleveland and wants to listen to/talk music I’d love to make more friends.
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby Janeway on Wed Jan 24, 2018 7:25 pm

^i just want you to know that thats okay. you can be depressed and have anxiety and fuck up your life and its just true facts is all, true as havng brown hair brown eyes or a lollipop for an avatar or soemthing, its just facts, crippling and terrible and i cant imagine what you go through but your support system should be an energizer bunny never giving up on you getting that next job.

work at fuckin wendys so you can talk shit to people, fuck em. you know? dye your hair rainbow and only work somewhere that you'd be hired for your merits or become a tattoo artist. dont think you "should" be a certain way cause life is literally breathing. having mental health issues is like having special needs you cant discriminate your own self you gotta love your own self.

after my scrape with death in 2016 i was anxious coming out of the hospital and what made me feel better was watching whoopi goldberg belly laugh at folks being totally lame about stupid shit and if you can get yourself to eventually get a good belly laugh about something, thats all you need. life is grass growing outside, and anxious or depressing chemical imbalance feelings are just like poltergeist trying to haunt you and you just aknowledge it but dont let it fuck with you. fuck those ghosts.

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blast your music and rock cleveland, at least youre cool enough to be here 8)
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby MJongo on Wed Jan 24, 2018 7:59 pm

That makes me feel better than anything my therapists have said to me over the years (I don’t want to talk shit to anyone though). I don’t really know where to begin though. I’ve completely repressed my grade school memories, I only made a couple friends in high school, and it wasn’t until after I went to college (and dropped out a couple years later) that I really became aware that there were other people like me that didn’t fit in (I was a closet queer that simultaneously didn’t believe in any of the religious doctrine I was taught in Catholic school yet was still ashamed of myself and was afraid of being excluded from the little social life I had). So I had an incredibly late start in building up any meaningful support system. Lately I’ve built enough courage to sing Pere Ubu covers at open mics with my friend on guitar (and apparently I’m pretty good, as a few people have told me afterwards [of course, I don’t know if that’s a good metric considering that people who think I suck probably wouldn’t actually tell me]), but I want to do my own stuff and I’m extremely limited both financially and ability-wise in making music. I guess what I’m trying to say with all this rambling is that trying to express myself is extremely hard considering my late start, my past scars, my poverty, my lack of instrumental skill, being an outsider to the music scene, and my medical issues (ADHD, ASD, Major Depressive Disorder). That’s a pretty overwhelming list :(
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby Janeway on Sat Jan 27, 2018 4:51 am

anxiety is just a ghost trying to haunt the chemicals inside your brain the way the fieldmouse is trying to haunt my sleep inside my bedroom walls

im not saying you can control the feeling, but once you recognize it you can keep it from becoming more powerful at you. like, could i help the white spider that came paratrooping down at me making me scream haf the house up in the middle of the night? no but after i killed it i could tell it to have respect for the human kingdom . im scared of eating a bug in my sleep but i decided to turn it around to empower myself like that little bug fuck is lucky i didnt make it my thanksgiving dinner, and its protein and wont kill me, infact if i was in a foreign prison id be killing to eat bugs just for protein. perspective is a kinda cure to frame what we cannot control.
Last edited by Janeway on Sat Jan 27, 2018 5:18 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby Janeway on Sat Jan 27, 2018 5:17 am

and jongo

1. get yourself a happy box filled with stuff that puts a smile on your face, a favorite perfume or pictures of a puppy or sexual devices, whatever it takes for rainy days when you need something to turn to.

2. dont think in shoulds because nobody is supposed to do anything, you can just exist like an ant and go when its your time. money? skillz? big fuckin deal its just peppering your life story to seem like more than an ant. you sir can play an instrument and are brave enough to sing pere ubu in front of others and not even have to wonder if poeple were into it cause you've gotten positive feedback, so keep making yourself happy. i dont care if you have a blue nose or adhd or last tuesdays newspaper, those are just facts that dont change who you are and shouldnt shatter your core belief system.

3. im not sure when you had to deal with the ridicukous stringency at school and i hope it wasnt the kinda nuns that slap you but its a new geenration taking over called millenial vanity, be a millenial with us and own your life story. i live at home which is unsexy in the 90s but i feel like i truly dont give a fuck, the only thing that matters is getting laid and its not a problem no matter what anyones situation is, folks always hook up and get together and thats a beautiful thing. the folks working at wendys get laid more than the high power depressed attorneys out there and dont have to pay for the sex even, thats truly something... keep expressing yourself and it'll get easier the way learning guitar got easier im assuming cause i cant do that at all it hurts my fingers too much

overall everything bad about yourself you just have to own it. you think youre a rambler? okay get rambling...
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the past is stuck inthe past but ou dont have to be. no sorrow about the past and no worry about the future, you stay present and realize the sun is shining or else the stars are out or if nothing else look for how much moon is out in the evening and if it not visible to make you happy you just pull your pants down and moon the sky right back and give the universe a good laugh :P
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby kokorodoko on Sat Jan 27, 2018 9:02 am

I started doing a breathing exercise close to two months ago. It was some doctor guy on youtube and I don't remember the name, it was supposed to make you sleep better or something. It consists of breathing in a 4-7-8 pattern: Breathe in while counting 4, hold breath while counting 7, then while counting 8 let your breath escape like you're blowing out candles (gently).
Do this 4 times in a row, twice a day. The guy specifically said not to do more than that.

Comparing my mood then to now I have much more energy, I get more shit done, jolt up at 7 in the morning and generally have way less of that heavy, tiring feeling that seems to accompany me everywhere.
Now who knows - A lot of things have been shifting in my psyche the past fall, and some of my state of mind right now is probably accumulated effects passing some threshold. I recall though that some of the times doing this exercise there was an immediate sense of relaxation the moment I began.

It certainly can't hurt to give it a try.


EDIT: Found it.

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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby MJongo on Sat Jan 27, 2018 3:32 pm

Started taking piano lessons again and had a breakthrough where I thought I was gonna be stuck forever. That really helped my mood a ton.
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby Janeway on Sat Jan 27, 2018 4:25 pm

^fuckin fantastic :)

my ex husband found out at 40 that he has asd and his nurse mom cried about never noticing when he came out to her at dinner but she’s since Ben made to feel not guilty about not noticing, it’s mostly just like mozart and Jefferson and everyone cool in the history of humans must fall on the spectrum somewhere or you’re just average and boring.

i loves that family guy determined peter griffin to be technically considered to be austistic based on his general iq and the taking advantage of societal givens was too funny

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6E6pnJK_-Qc&app=desktop

haha that’s not how you special needs family guy.
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby Janeway on Thu Feb 01, 2018 6:58 am

hope this melts some anxiety for you guys

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everytime i see this its my favorite thing ever :P
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby offal on Fri Feb 09, 2018 12:41 pm

Been feeling the pinch a lot more as of late. Just a reminder that this struggle is probably one that will always be there.

I am struck by the fact that after decades of working through various bouts of anxiety and depression, when the setbacks come, they roar back full-force. I have better coping mechanisms now, but the struggle remains very real.

Re: the notion of real. The irony here is fierce. Stressful life triggers are real. The fear itself is real. The sense of crushing, inevitable doom feels real. On the better days I can remain objective enough to remember that while perception feels like reality, not all of it is. Like phantom limb pain, but in your head. Literally and figuratively.

Trying to choose happy when I can, corny as it sounds. That can be its own full-time job.
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby Janeway on Fri Feb 09, 2018 7:34 pm

i wonder how many hours of volunteer time all you anxiety heads put in. sometimes being victims of your own circumstances is because you're in your own world, branch out like grieving young widows at 25 years old do, it cant change your brain chemistry whatsoever, but its the greatest gift you can give yourself, the most unlikely-seeming route to true happiness :smt006
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby Janeway on Fri Feb 09, 2018 7:37 pm

what i mean is, if you've ever considered volunteering, the next step is doing. there's hidden sources of happiness there that can help keep positive energy in your life.
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby matthew on Sat Feb 10, 2018 9:16 am

Janeway wrote:i wonder how many hours of volunteer time all you anxiety heads put in. sometimes being victims of your own circumstances is because you're in your own world.


what i mean is, if you've ever considered volunteering, the next step is doing. there's hidden sources of happiness there that can help keep positive energy in your life.


Yes indeed. This is a key part of the human aspect of overcoming anxiety.

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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby Pasta on Thu Feb 15, 2018 3:17 pm

Been having some issues with my tremour as of late. About to head up for blood labs. Probably hypothyroid again. Been feeling anxious about another dosage change. Just don't want to go through a new round of side effects. That anxiety took up all of yesterdays therapy session.
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby goatlord on Thu Feb 15, 2018 3:21 pm

Realizing that I haven't really thought about my future in a normal adult way, and now I'll probably be fucked economically if I don't get my shit together, but getting my shit together just freezes me. I'm mortally afraid of fucking up (I haven't worked in a long time because I'm really afraid of going to work on something that it's way above my head!). Also, I'm doing a lot of free illustration work for "future payments" and I'm so sick of working this way. And my GF gently pushing me is not really helping, even though she has the best intentions, it just freezes me even more. How the fuck did I arrive to be 29 years old and still not a functioning human being, what the fuck is wrong with me.
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby kokorodoko on Thu Feb 15, 2018 4:37 pm

goatlord wrote:How the fuck did I arrive to be 29 years old and still not a functioning human being, what the fuck is wrong with me.

I used to ask myself the same question (right down to the age number). However:

Yesterday I started at my new work. The night before I was visited by a familiar feeling: A constricting grip around the chest, a feeling of being cornered, a desire to just run away.
I perfectly understood then why I was unemployed for so long.

So let's not be hard on ourselves.
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby llllllllllllllllllllllll on Sun May 20, 2018 3:03 pm

I’ve been working 80 hour weeks for about two months out of the year so far in +/- 30 day increments. I’m kind of a mess anyways, but this stuff always puts me over the top. I wish I could get out of the game but I don’t have a degree and I’m worried what will happen without the extra income. Working this much allows me a nice living, but maybe not enough to warrant the extra stress. I never made more than 30,000 a year until I started this job 4 years ago, right before I hit my 30s, and the sting of poverty from those times still hurts. So I went from that to nearly tripling my income, but at a huge cost.
Anyways, I’m married now and have someone else to worry about besides myself. She’s a straight up fucking angel from a great family. Super smart, and she’s working a really good job and finishing her doctorate at the same time. It’s mostly ok, I take over duties around the house when she’s in school, and she does the same when my schedule goes in the shitter, but more often lately we both find ourselves with an incredible workload at the same time, which puts more stress on us.
So - I’m just finishing up this project and am going to go back to a regular 40 hour schedule for another few months before the next one starts again. Back to the gym to work off the weight I gained from sitting at a desk for 12 hours a day, and I’ll back to a regular guitar practice schedule to try to reclaim my life a little bit.
This time I’m going to try to find a doctor to see while I can. My last attempt at this stuff was completely fucking miserable - I got on a heavy dose of Lexapro by a fucking family doctor, which was not good for me. Totally drove me nuts. I was a little less grumpy at times, but it kind of had the opposite effect it was supposed to. I kept taking it because I kept hearing that it was going to get worse before it got better, except it never got better and I couldn’t just stop taking it out of nowhere. So I’m going to have to be more careful about who I see this time.
I’m going to try therapy again, but I don’t see how I can dig myself out of this hole without some kind of medication. I’m beset by worries and intrusive thoughts constantly. Social situations outside of a very small group of friends I’ve had for years are incredibly trying, and I’ve got the typical addiction issues that often come into play with those sorts of symptoms. Before I was never sure if anxiety or depression was the culprit, but I’m old enough now to kind of see things a little clearer.
I’ve kind of accepted that I’m never going to be normal, but I’m tired of living like this, and I’m not going to wait until I’ve lost everything to pick up the pieces.
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby JohnnyDoglands on Sun May 20, 2018 4:15 pm

llllllllllllllllllllllll wrote:I wish I could get out of the game but I don’t have a degree and I’m worried what will happen without the extra income.


Bars, you don't have to commit yourself to three years of a degree, do you?

THE best thing I have ever done was go back to adult education college and get a computer qualification, was supposed to take a year, I did it in seven months. I was 38. There were plenty of people older than me there.

I should probably have mentioned that I kept doing a day job too for most of that.

I am absolutely flooded with job offers now, for a change. I'm still too sick to know which I should take, or if my health is telling me I'm not ready to go back to work yet.

It was just a simple Microsoft Office course, but it made a hell of a difference. I was putting out thousands of job applications and getting none back before that.

Getting 97-100% on everything was good for the ego, when I was feeling down about things. That cheered me up, even though I knew it was all well within my capability when I started. I just needed to get that piece of paper that said I was up to date with it all.

I don't know how much that will help with your situation, but I hope it will give you some ideas.

llllllllllllllllllllllll wrote: I’m beset by worries and intrusive thoughts constantly.


That, I have only suffered a little bit. I try to always tell myself that these thoughts are not necessarily telling me the truth. Sometimes they lie, and you have to say to yourself 'Out, Liar! I am not listening to you now'. It's hard, but that helps me.

llllllllllllllllllllllll wrote: Social situations outside of a very small group of friends I’ve had for years are incredibly trying, and I’ve got the typical addiction issues that often come into play with those sorts of symptoms. Before I was never sure if anxiety or depression was the culprit, but I’m old enough now to kind of see things a little clearer.


Now that IS something to be thankful for. That you (and I) will start to cope with this annoying anxiety thing better as we get older. You should be proud if you learned something. Especially if it's something you didn't know about yourself.
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby mrcancelled on Tue May 22, 2018 9:30 pm

llllllllllllllllllllllll wrote:I don’t see how I can dig myself out of this hole without some kind of medication.


llllllllllllllllllllllll wrote:I’ve kind of accepted that I’m never going to be normal, but I’m tired of living like this, and I’m not going to wait until I’ve lost everything to pick up the pieces.


I was in what sounds like a very similar boat as you for a long while. I'd been suffering from anxiety at least since my pre-teen years. I'd tried therapy, regular exercise, changing my diet, meditation, breathing exercises, supplements, and made life changes to avoid any of my anxious triggers. Really any alternative to medication, I had put time and effort into.

These things helped, absolutely, some more than others. But I still felt very unhealthy mentally. I ended up talking to a doctor that was recommended to me and hesitantly ended up trying an SSRI. It absolutely changed my life. I feel "normal". I knew anxiety was an issue of course, but looking back now I really see just how miserable I was. It affected my sleep, relationships, triggered addictions, and just generally made my life so much shittier.

Taking a pill every morning that magically makes my biggest problem much easier to deal with--on paper, this makes me just a tad ill-at-ease... and I'm always hesitant to recommend medication to people. But I truly believe that without medication, I wouldn't be able to function at 100%.

Anyway, what I'm getting at is that you've tried an SSRI that didn't work for you--unfortunately this is common and it can take trying out several different meds (all with potential side effects) in order to find the right one. And you have to give them each a couple of months to start taking full effect, unless of course the side effects are unbearable. Dosages can be something you may have to adjust too. This can be a grueling process for people, I was incredibly lucky in that the first one I tried worked well for me. But, if you're going the medication route, I can't stress enough to not give up. Doctors aren't really able to determine what SSRI/SNRIs will work on an individual level. But if you find one that clicks, I promise it will have all been worth it.

It's always been recommended to me to take meds in conjunction with therapy. A medication that works is one thing, but having a good therapist that can also help you change your thinking patterns will be most beneficial in the long run. Admittedly I've not started going back to therapy yet but you know what, shit, I'm going to start researching some tonight.

Good luck!
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