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Attacked! by Anxiety!

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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby J_Temperance on Thu Sep 22, 2016 4:18 pm

Exercise, check. That's one of the things I'm glad I've been able to retake, I'm thinking of maybe taking up cooking too. The thing is I'm not financially well off right now, otherwise I'd be learning a language or hitting the gym or something (or drinking more likely :D)

I don't know man, I just think, is it unrealistic and needy of me to want semi-regular communication with my serious (according to her) GF that goes beyond simple, really sporadic texting? She used to call me much more often early on in the trip, but since I was in a foreign country and I had no 3G or whatever it was truly difficult to make the timelines coincide. Now that we've both got internet it actually seems so much harder to communicate than ever, it's just excuse after excuse on her part (her roommate will listen, there's no time in her schedule even though she's out of class at 5 PM and invariably goes to bed after midnight), I have to practically beg her to call me. I can't possibly know the reasons why but it doesn't sit well with me.

I'm not talking about her picking up the phone when I ring her up every 5 minutes, it's more like, catching up at some point in the day, however brief. It's just, all of the people I know that are in long distance relationships (which ours will be for only 2 months true, if it continues after this that is) at least make an effort to catch up at some point in the day. Things were good for us, why isn't she motivated to do so? I've told her about this, we agreed to do so once again (we already had prior to our trips) but she doesnt seem to care.

I know I have to give her space and she's experiencing and learning a lot of new stuff; it is somewhat duplicitous to say it but I'm sure that if I was in her boots I'd certainly do the effort.
Last edited by J_Temperance on Thu Sep 22, 2016 4:37 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby Janeway on Thu Sep 22, 2016 4:26 pm

how about something more to gauge your interest rather than better yourself.. comic series or criterion collection movies you've been meaning to see or a new videogame (that you can rent for a dollar at redbox's across america, free even if you use one of their codes you can google search it..)..

maybe if you decide what schedule youd like, you can regularly just contact her at those times and then thats when you guys talk and if shes not making the effort to meet you after that, then you know theres something fishy goin down
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby Janeway on Thu Sep 22, 2016 4:32 pm

and then you know, keep a sunny disposishhh.. :P
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby J_Temperance on Thu Sep 22, 2016 4:39 pm

Janeway, we already did. Check out the last long ass post I did....
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby J_Temperance on Sat Sep 24, 2016 3:44 pm

Ah, fuck it. I took a single dose of clonazepam a couple of days ago and I've been feeling better since (the fact that we've been a little bit more in touch has helped, too). Either way, currently my mindset is that I'm getting my ass dumped. If I go on thinking like this, it's a win-win situation; either I'm wrong and I keep my girlfriend or I'm right and at the very least I get to look for some strange.
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby Anthony Flack on Sat Sep 24, 2016 9:42 pm

At the very least, you'll know you didn't cause a breakup by being a smothering control freak. It is totally win-win. And no, you don't really need to be in touch every single day and she probably is busy making the most of her trip so cut her some slack. She's not away for all that long.

By all means take the clonaz or whatever it is you need to do to be cool.
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby bishopdante on Mon Sep 26, 2016 8:43 pm

Everybody living in the real world knows what abuse and trauma is, and that it is common. Common as muck. Modern people don't have baggage, it's warehouses and warehouses of trauma. Silos. 20th century was setting records for scary/toxic/lethal conditions.

Many people with serious aversions and anxiety have a fear response very deeply buried in their psyche related to when they were calibrating themselves as a person in early childhood. Certain triggers will set it off.

I grew up in a harsh crack-infested international and poverty-stricken inner city semi-slum. I got my share of trauma. I am so familiar with fear that I can hold it down, operate like normal and almost nobody can tell I'm shitting it. That is not entirely healthy.

Lots of people have specific fears, the mere sight or suggestion of the presence of the stimulus will produce severe startle, hypervigilance and pumping adrenaline. The person will go into their mode, and run the situation on autopilot motivated by fear. People create and re-stage the various percieved hazardous confrontational/aggravated modes, falling into a habituated and preconceived response associated with a situation of threat, and by reinforcement a longterm perception and habit is reinforced. Many people have confrontational social habits which have been turned into predatory behaviour. Re enacting and reinforcing the abuse and interpersonal conflict.

For a simple example, my dad doesn't like big aggressive dogs. He has a scar on his face from having been mauled by one as a baby, ripped his lip all the way from the top lip to the nose. He conquered that one, on the surface, but as a little kid I'd pick up on the emotion, and its deep conviction, and would run at the sight of one approaching aggressively (at which point said alsatian or rottweiler would chase me, and he'd freak out.). Being conscious of this, as we were, we could stay on top of it. Any dog breeder would tell a person: separating puppies from their mothers too early, and not socialising the dog to people early enough, either of these will produce an anxious and aggressive hound. Early-trauma dogs can be trained out of the fear and aggression, but it's a significant task. The dog that bit my dad had likely been mishandled, ie abused.

Often small thoughtless errors cascade into traumatic and volatile situations. Small things often become big things.

I often wonder how many lives are altered in their course by haste and ignorance. Somebody has an abusive workplace, goes home, and the kids get it. Lifetimes of trouble can be set up in a matter of hours.

How children get treated is very, very important. Many treat their kids as baggage, high cost and low worth. It is drilled in by commercial realities, jobs, schools etc. Habits are passed from generation to generation. This can be fairly toxic. One [anon] good mate of mine's dad stabbed his mum in the neck with a screwdriver in stonebridge park, in front of him, when he was a kid. He can get a bit scary under pressure. 6ft4 heavy built jamaican dude. Jamaica was not fun back in the slavery era. Jamaica is a bit scary in places today. He told me all about it after assaulting me in my studio on the day of a critical 2 year deadline on a big project. Most of the time he's fine, but sometimes he can freak out very severely. He'd made a few mistaken assumptions, was very stressed out at the time. I got a few blows to the head before defending myself. No joke sort of heavy aggro geezer to even attempt to manhandle, even with sudden jiu jitsu intervention picking the right moment and leveraging him into a doorway, teetering him on the top step, I was really not sure I'd be winning that one if he didn't stop waving his fists around and yelling blue murder. Luckily nor was he, so he started calming down and talking slightly more sense, and in his freaked out state was clearly having PTSD reminiscences to a few childhood traumas, which we had a chat about over a cigarette in the garden.


__________

How to overcome a conditioned fear stimulus:

Expose yourself to a little bit of the fearful stimulus in a secure state, and increase exposure until the fear starts, then immediately discontinue exposure and give yourself a nice experience. Change the channel. Try again later/tomorrow. Retraining deeply rooted habits takes a lot of effort.

What you think consciously has very little bearing on what your unconscious systems will ring alarm bells about.

Just like learning an instrument, it is a question of conditioning. Thinking is only one tiny part of it. Has to be drilled. Built up like a muscle.

Another problem is learned helplessness, or being numbed to acting in response to fear. The fear of making it worse, and the resignation to continued suffering.

We have billions of years sunk into sophisticated learning systems, like reflexes... but they were not built for the modern world. We have got some scary technology these days, and some scary people with scary preoccupations and blind spots, and many maladaptive responses to psychosocial and physical stress / trauma.

Many people turn anxiety into aggression, and will reframe a situation to produce conflict as a method of relief. Others turn to focusing on pain, and get into self harm. This is a pretty poor method of achieving control over the situation. The idea is to avoid harm.

Adjusting to this modern mess... many try by building bubbles, hiding their head in the sand. Avoidance. TV. Drugs. Entertainment. Reassuring lies.

Not the best strategy in my humble opinion. There are other ways, but don't expect instant results, or easy answers.

Take action! Face and conquer your fears. Get a grip on what abuse is. Trace the poisonous experiences to their root, get a proper rational grip on them, and exercise your will to retrain irrational aversion in the medium term, lots of scary things get not very scary after a few months, such as climbing 40ft scaffolds.

Become the guardian of yourself and your fellow people. Calm is a finer master than fear. Fear is the anticipation of loss, the amount of fear corresponding to the amount of perceived loss (/gain). To live in constant dread is a curse worse than death, and people have been known to consider and take grievous risks, or even certainly kill themselves to escape it.

A bit of fear is healthy. Nothing but fear is toxic. Irrational or causally-confused fear, at its extreme that's a full on schizotypal breakdown. Way deeper waters than a fight-or-flight response. Like LSD sort of territory.

I know of two people who have had one of those from psychological stress at the hands of a committed sadistic covert-aggressive abuser. Not being able to work out the source of the threat and losses is very stressful. Real sly sneaky manipulator type, fond of sabotage and destructive stuff / inciting robbery / violence, generally causing serious grief, and not getting spotted as the central manipulator.

Both of these escalation episodes were caused, rather worryingly, by one and the same malicious and sadistic person, with some unwitting help from incidental accomplices who were manipulated and coerced by their own fears, and seduced by various pleasures. Different times, different places, same set of footprints, same ringleader and same style of harassment.

And one of the people having a breakdown was me. My nervous system was already shot to bits by years of missed sleep, missed meals, brutal deadlines & overwork, stress and more stress 7 days a week, and a good few years of debilitating hangover of a very neurotoxic class of drugs called fluoroquinolones, which is probably the chief culprit behind gulf war syndrome.

As such, my personal brushes with the hazards being the tip of a very hazardous iceberg, I consider my own suffering trivial, and consider myself blessed to have even an inkling of what many, many millions suffer from, and not to be cursed with the bliss of ignorance.

There is a much less volatile emotion and set of behviours to exercise in preference to fear. Concern immediately followed by investigation and action.

The better your physical and spiritual health, the more robust the stress response and recovery from trauma will be. Exercise, rest, proper nutrition, good company, good art. Be scared of the actual rationally scary stuff & maintain a safe distance from exposure to it. There is scary stuff. Like what is going on in Syria/Iraq/etc. That's not good.
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby mrcancelled on Fri Jan 06, 2017 9:33 pm

I booked an appointment for next week with a therapist that was recommended for CBT treatment. I'm so fucking stoked. I've never really done anything about this bullshit aside from read a couple of self-help books and, unfortunately, drink myself retarded.
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby jimmy spako on Sat Jan 07, 2017 9:41 am

^ Awesome, stoked for you too :wink:
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby mrcancelled on Sun Jan 08, 2017 10:14 pm

Aw, cheers :wink:

Just talking to the guy for the few minutes I was able to over the phone was a huge weight off my shoulders. I'm going to him off of a recommendation, and I'm not 100% sure my insurance will be accepted, but I'm totally willing to pay out of pocket if it's effective. Yay.
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby ::: on Wed Jan 11, 2017 2:47 am

For myself I see no alternative to becoming a triathlete, or at least starting to train semi-seriously in the triathlon sports of running, biking, and swimming, as a safe and nontoxic means of burning off my incredible rage since the T guy got elected. My "Park Slope yuppie" (her words!) friend took up fucking ICE HOCKEY at age 48 for exactly this reason, and if she can do it, I can fuckin' do it, or something like it. I can totally see her with a hockey stick and skates, getting rowdy at people on ice. ...Actually the alternative, for me, would be to start taking a lot more benzodiazepines, and I don't want to do that.
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby ::: on Wed Jan 11, 2017 2:52 am

The fact that I smoke my fucking head off, both pot and tobacco, is going to be a little bit of a hindrance with this "triathlon" plan, I'm aware, but I'm gonna try to work around it.
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby bishopdante on Fri Jan 13, 2017 5:52 am

Some interesting points about medicating people into robots in this documentary series.

With the current situation, a lot of people have every right to be stressed out.

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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby Pasta on Fri Jan 13, 2017 7:21 am

Medication is not for everyone. But, for those of us it is for, it is a life changer. Clarity that it has brought me helps me identify whether something is situational, or chronic. Which helps me decide how I will approach it.

None of which would have been possible without meds and talk therapy. Meds without talk are useless.

Are they over prescribed? Absolutely. Do they help those of us with chemical imbalances? Absolutely.
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby Miel on Sun Jan 15, 2017 6:38 am

^^^^ Exactly this.

It's important to remember that the medications are a tool. They're incredible things -- it's absolutely wondrous that they exist.

If you can get by without them, more power to you. But it's not a mark of strength to forego them when you're suffering. They can give you the leg up that you need. I tried for years to avoid using medications, but the reasons I did that now just seem completely misguided and frankly, I'd internalised a lot of stigma.

For anxiety, talk therapy can also do wonders, as the medications for acute panic are addictive and not very good for long term stuff. CBT is also incredible. Best of luck on your journey!
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby ::: on Sun Jan 15, 2017 2:00 pm

I agree with both Pasta and Miel above. There is no shame in taking medication to alleviate disabling symptoms. An imperfect analogy, but: does anyone blame diabetics for taking insulin? No, that would be ridiculous. Q E.D.

Until I get that YWCA personal trainer lined up, I'm on Zyprexa, an atypical antipsychotic which is somewhat sedating and (they say) an effective mood stabilizer for certain symptoms of bipolar and bipolar II. Lucky timing, too, since literally two days after I started taking it, Mark Fisher up and committed suicide, and the only reason I'm not flipping the fuck out all over again is because I am rather heavily medicated just now, between the Cymbalta I was already on and now the Zyprexa too. I hope to taper off the Zyprexa over the next two months, reducing the daily dose each week and replacing it with epic amounts of totally ass-kicking workouts. That's the plan, anyway.
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby catwoman on Sun Jan 15, 2017 7:01 pm

Meds...
Depression with anxiety combined isn't always as easy to medicate, though.
When my old antidepressant was working, my anxiety went way down, too, but at some point I realized I had lost all my affect, didn't give a shit about anything, and my life was stalled. So I quit that antidepressant (with doc's knowledge, kind of), and the anxiety went through the roof. Now a new doc, let's try new meds, and now I'm hating my current meds, makes me feel like crap, and I'm anxious a lot, and I'm tired of trying meds and meds and meds.
I am convinced my last med "broke" my neurochemistry (after about 15 years on it), and I'm not sure there will be another med that will be effective anymore. (Of course, I'm kinda depressed right now, so, ... grain of salt, and all that...)

It was great when meds worked, but if/when they stop working, then what???
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby catwoman on Mon May 29, 2017 8:28 pm

Since the last time I wrote, my doc upped my Zoloft by 50%, but frankly I don't see that it's doing any good. I'm an anxious mess, and have been avoiding taking the very low dose benzo that I also was prescribed, because I don't want to get hooked on that. Really struggling with an inability to take any sort of action in any direction.
My boyfriend's mother is coming into town next week and she is expecting to see my house. But my house is a mess, and it's been a mess for a long time. And I'm never going to be able to make it a nice house before she gets here. It's not squalor, it's not filthy, it's not things stacked up to the ceilings, but it's messy and embarrassing to me. I really really do not want this woman in my house, judging me. Or being in my house at all. She's not a nice woman, she lives very far away, and there's a good reason for that because her children really don't like her very much.
I chronically feel confused and really unable to start anything or finish anything because I don't know where to start or how to finish. Just overwhelmingly anxious and stressed and paralyzed. The paralysis is the worst. As it's so easy to just Surf the internet all day, and ignore everything around me because it's too overwhelming. I'm really having a terrible time right now between anxiety and depression.
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby Frank Decent on Mon May 29, 2017 10:09 pm

catwoman wrote:I chronically feel confused and really unable to start anything or finish anything because I don't know where to start or how to finish. Just overwhelmingly anxious and stressed and paralyzed. The paralysis is the worst. As it's so easy to just Surf the internet all day, and ignore everything around me because it's too overwhelming. I'm really having a terrible time right now between anxiety and depression.


Oh boy. Right there with you. Especially the stuff about not being able to start or finish things, etc. Just plain sucks. If you need to vent feel free to PM.
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Re: Attacked! by Anxiety!

Postby bumble on Thu Sep 07, 2017 12:23 pm

Hi! How's it going?

I am feeling anxious! I am having an anxiety flare up for the past cupla-too-tree weeks! It is really not fantastic!

So hey! Does anyone else have recurrent intrusive memories of all the various times you fucked up? Man oh man. Remember that time you okay kind of honestly truly yelled at a fellow student back in the day because her research design was fucked up? Remember that? I sure do. And then it turns into a universal I'm A Terrible Person black hole of fun.

Xanax is helping here and there, and I'm sure it will pass -- they always do -- but these spells of intrusive anxiety and self-hatred are fucking shitty.
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