If you could go back and talk to your 18-year-old self...

[Rémy]

"I can think of at least 3 opportunities you will have for a three-way with hippie girls, but you will be inexplicably oblivious until after the fact. So write this down..."

I hate you.
Hippie girls are one of the few chicks I would pay to do some nasty stuff to me.

[Wood Goblin]

Someday you will regret seeing Tad only once but seeing Sweaty Nipples five times.

[Marsupialized]

Ok, that Clarissa chick is going to go on a trip to new York, when she's gone you are going to get drunk with her older cousin who bartends at mad bar and is spectacular in all ways. The cousin is going to want to have sex all casual like, most likely as a girl dominance type thing with Clarissa, since they have that sort of shaky family thing going on. Your first reaction is entertain the notion, make out with her, but to eventually regretfully and politely decline, because you are all in love with the Clarissa chick, which is all fine and respectable but hear me out....
The Clarissa chick is going to new York to bang some dude, not to visit family like she says. You break up with her the day she comes back. You never see either her or her spectacular cousin again after that. Knowing that information, I suggest you act accordingly when the situation arises. It haunts you nearly every day.

[geiginni]

"I can think of at least 3 opportunities you will have for a three-way with hippie girls, but you will be inexplicably oblivious until after the fact. So write this down..."

I hate you.
Hippie girls are one of the few chicks I would pay to do some nasty stuff to me.

I hate me too. I was oblivious to the opportunity until it had passed. At least three times! I could kick my 23 year old self in the ass.

[Rémy]

Ho I thought you actually did it. Yeah sorry it didn't happened.

[i am the smud]

You are not going to film school. Major in something useful, like biology

[turnbullac]

It Gets Better™

[kenoki]

I would say, Get a grip dude!

[twelvepoint]

Dress better. No need to wear baggy clothes, you're not really a size large.

[DeviantBehavior]

1. Do not go to that party with Erin! Heinous things will happen to you that will traumatize you for years. AVOID AT ALL COSTS !!!!!!!!
2. One day you will actually like to drink beer....all the beer.
3. When you wait forever on Goodman at that Shellac show, instead of smoking G13 and drinking Blackberry Brandy in your car alone, you should talk to some of the people inside. They won't bite, some of them are pretty awesome and will be back around later.
4. Don't waste multiple years on a pointless long distance relationship, it's just going to make you sad,fat, and miss out on taking about half of your 'would' list to the bone throne.
5.It is possible for you to smoke too much weed to function, it will start happening about the time you turn 25.

[Sowley]

-Sit Ups
-learn another language
-end that relationship
-stop smoking
-make out with everyone you think "might" be interested in you
-the journalism degree is worth shit. Keep writing, but really just get out of town now. No point.
-invest in Hardcore because apparently you could buy a house on that shit now.

[windofpain]

the monte carlo has a shit transmission its not worth its weight in scrap metal stay the fuck away, cut your fucking hair idiot

[mike hitler (no relation)]

So this band you started last year. In about three years you're going to find a large audience overseas. I mean, like hundreds of enthusiastic people every night.

I bring this up is because as soon as this happens, the other guys in the band are going to flake out real hard because, while it's not obvious now, they really don't like leaving home.

You're going to think this trouble is happening because you did something wrong, and it's going to color your thinking. But it won't be true. These other guys will never go on a longer road stretch in their lives.

You couldn't know this now because it's your first band, but it's just how bands work sometimes. The band's pretty good, so you got lucky in that category, which means you necessarily got unlucky in another category, to kind of pay for the good part, if that makes any sense.

The thing you don't understand now because you started this band in high school is the band is not the music is not the band. This music and its different permutations is totally deliverable with other people, if you pick up guitar.

So what you should do is start learning guitar right now, because after a few months of self-training, you just won't need somebody else to make the bulk of the sound when reproducing the songs you're writing - which is 90% of them.

You can quickly learn how to do, more or less, what he does. You'll never sound just like him, but it's not about duplicating what he does, it's about doing your own thing with that as a vocabulary -- just like in all of rock.

So believe me on this one, don't get bummed out and don't think you're doing something wrong. You should want to keep writing, keep playing and do not under any circumstances stop for any reason. You can find appropriate people to play with, because you live in a huge, awesome city and not Butcher Holler for fuck's sake.

Now the good news. All that computer/modem shit you've been doing is going to pay your bills forever, like way, way beyond what is apparent now. You know ARPANet? That shit's going mainstream in a few years. Check this out: our Mom will be using ARPANet. Swear to god. Just knowing what's up with that will bring you straight work whenever you need it, like throwing a switch. So you'll never, ever need to do anything stupid or lame with your music.

And it is pretty much your music. Importantly, it's yours to kill off.

Don't do it. Not for the reasons you'll have when the time comes, because they will be dumb reasons. Let it exist.

Now get outta here.

[2207]

Buy a lot of lamps and wires and start a website called electrical.com and then sell it to some chicago rockers for $32.

[Plastic Eggs]

Please wash your fucking hair with shampoo. And stop being such a limp dick candy ass fuck neck.

[Charlie D]

Hey! Dipshit! That girl over there? You see her? Yeah, her. She's interested in you. Not her, her, or her. I know you think you two are just friends and believe me, brother, you keep ignoring her advances, that's all you turn out to be. So, um, yeah, quit being a schlub and ask her out to coffee.
Also? Your friends? The ones you smoke pot with all the time? Yeah, you're graduating high school this year. Hate to tell you, but their bullshit is, well, bullshit. You are not going to get anywhere hanging out with a bunch of reprobates. Put the pipe down for two minutes and learn how to keep a job, smokey.
Remember how you decided to not go to Penta County Vocational two years ago? Well, it's too late to talk sense into you now (my time machine allows me to talk to my dumb ass at eighteen, not sixteen). And fuck knows that the internet in 1999 makes looking for post-high-school vocational education a drag but crack open a phone book, man. For real. Send away for some pamphlets.
Also? Move out of Mom and Dad's house before you turn twenty one, please. I know, the free rent was nice. But wait until the old man tries to put a ten pm curfew on your ass. You want to wait until then to move out? With help from some Grateful Dead fan from a Christian-owned and oriented cabinet shop you work at? No. Move out before the end of summer. I've got the address of a great place that you can afford provided your ass holds down a job.
Don't do acid. You'll hate it.
Opium is pretty great but don't do it to the point where you keep losing jobs because you'd rather stay at home and watch The A-Team and chase the dragon or whatever.
Do not go down on Greta Hale. I know, I know, you're not interested in her in the least, but in a few years, you're going to run into her at a bar. Let me just spare you the suspense, brother, she doesn't wipe and she's a mean, nasty drunk.
Get a haircut. Really. Just do it now. Grunge is already over, my man, and in a few years you won't own even one flannel shirt. You have nothing to hold on to by having long hair.
Chris Allen's girlfriend, Kelly, is crazy. Don't worry, you don't do anything stupid with her beside trying to start a band with her because she plays bass. But she'll tell Chris that you macked on her when you didn't. Also? Stay away from Chris Allen. Really. Guy has problems. Lose his phone number.
Ryan can not play drums.
Wampy can not play drums.
Jesse can not play drums.
Phil can not play bass.
Next year, you're going to meet a drummer named Karl. He can play bass better than he can play drums and he can play drums better than he can repay a loan. Start a band with him, never loan him money.
For Christ's sake, learn to cook for yourself now instead of waiting until you're twenty four.
Minneapolis is pretty cool. You'll like it there. Just go to a real school, though.
Also? You are not a size XL. Buy t-shirts that fit you goddamnit.

[Mandroid2.0]

You know how you rarely find men attractive but often find woman and the female form attractive? Well, it turns out you're bisexual, you dumbass. Don't try to be in denial about it because you think there's something freakish about yourself and that your family will judge you for it. And since you know that now...

Stay the hell away from men. Fuck them if you feel like it and otherwise fool around with them. Befriend them. But do not even attempt to get involved in a serious relationship with them, because---trust me on this---it ALWAYS ends badly. You might think you have things in common and you're happy, but the moment you try living together it all goes to shit because you are an only child used to having things a set way and men are lazy slobs whom you will only come to resent the longer you attempt to live in the same house. Hell, you might have the same problem with some women but it's a lot more likely you won't want to kill one another after 3 months of sharing a dwelling space because women you are attracted to are thankfully not spoiled by their mothers and thus never learned to do anything for themselves. Really, though, you're probably better off getting a bunch of cats and living alone.

Men to** stay away from (**especially):
1) drummers
2) guitarists who are into bicycling
3) Australians
4) Englishmen
5) depressed and/or nihilistic alcoholics
6) people you meet on the internet
7) married guys with kids

The more of those items that you can combine into a single male, the more you should cut and run while you have the chance.

You're welcome.

[gaetano]

Don't be such a wuss. Just fucking do it already.

That's exactly what I'd tell myself.

Plus this: "Hey Gaetano, you see those big guys over there? The popular ones, who have scooters, fancy clothes, girls and talk about soccer and sports and motors all the time?
They are plain idiots, and 99% percent of them will amount to nothing later in the game.
Keep listening to obscure bands, do your shit, and do it proudly, with no fear of appearing different. You may not be a genius, but you're definitely 10 times better than those losers"

[deep.BTUz]

break wide on transcontinental dingbats young man (but you know that)...

[stewie]

Buy a shitload of Apple stock