Divorce Advice?

[Mandroid2.0]

First: get her to a proper, good shrink now. I have seen this from both sides and a misdiagnosis and wrong meds will do harm. REALLY REALLY REALLY great harm.

Secondly, I'd suggest that they first try couple's counselling. If they can't resolve stuff and still decide to part ways once she's straightened out her meds and been on them long enough to be "normal," that's fine, but it's relieving to know why it's happening in the first place when you are the person who is most blatantly flawed. I found myself hating myself for being bipolar and just wanting to demolish what I perceived to be the flaw. I can't imagine it's much different with a schizophrenic, and that is not a nice place to be in.

Wanting to rip a psych's face off is not unreasonable. Trust me. I still have yet to meet one who doesn't provoke that response.

[Tom]

First: get her to a proper, good shrink now. I have seen this from both sides and a misdiagnosis and wrong meds will do harm. REALLY REALLY REALLY great harm.

Secondly, I'd suggest that they first try couple's counselling. If they can't resolve stuff and still decide to part ways once she's straightened out her meds and been on them long enough to be "normal," that's fine, but it's relieving to know why it's happening in the first place when you are the person who is most blatantly flawed. I found myself hating myself for being bipolar and just wanting to demolish what I perceived to be the flaw. I can't imagine it's much different with a schizophrenic, and that is not a nice place to be in.

Wanting to rip a psych's face off is not unreasonable. Trust me. I still have yet to meet one who doesn't provoke that response.

She agreed to go to marriage counseling, but she has a history of just not going to scheduled appointments. We've been on her a lot more about it, so hopefully she can go to this one.

She isn't willing to see another shrink though. She's claims she's happy where she's at. You know, I find my self waffling with that. I mean, if she says she's happy and not hurting anyone, who am I to interfere with that? But then I hear her talking about the 8 voices in her head talking to her, the just dead vacant stare in her eyes. I think about her spending time with my daughter. I don't want to keep them apart, but I also don't want my daughter exposed to that. That's not the primary motivation, of course, but my point is I don't want to isolate her from us.

[Big John]

You should be concerned for the safety of yourself and family. If she has reached the point where she is hearing voices and making decisions about moving to a place where she will have means to function are classic symptoms. Which means at any moment she can pull a knife and stab you all to death.

This is masked for you as you still see glimpse of the person who had their mental problem under control, previously with meds. Of course if she stabbed you all to death the court would rule that she was insane at the time. So when you say these are her choices you validate that she is mentally together enough to make a choice.

It is also pretty classic for people with this type of mental problem to go off their meds and as they get older their mental problems can typically become much worse. The system does not want to deal with the problem of the mentally ill and so created a system where they can't interfere with a mental incapacitated person until they ultimately end up in the prison population or are arrested.

I had a friend whose mother had this problem it pretty much destroyed the lives of both he and his brother.

Take care and beware.

[Luzwei]

Don't get divorced.

[Tom]

You should be concerned for the safety of yourself and family. If she has reached the point where she is hearing voices and making decisions about moving to a place where she will have means to function are classic symptoms. Which means at any moment she can pull a knife and stab you all to death.

This is masked for you as you still see glimpse of the person who had their mental problem under control, previously with meds. Of course if she stabbed you all to death the court would rule that she was insane at the time. So when you say these are her choices you validate that she is mentally together enough to make a choice.

It is also pretty classic for people with this type of mental problem to go off their meds and as they get older their mental problems can typically become much worse. The system does not want to deal with the problem of the mentally ill and so created a system where they can't interfere with a mental incapacitated person until they ultimately end up in the prison population or are arrested.

I had a friend whose mother had this problem it pretty much destroyed the lives of both he and his brother.

Take care and beware.

Well she's never had any violent episodes ever, not in the slightest. No suicide attempts, nothing that I'm aware of. But thanks for freaking me the fuck out!

[John W.]

Found this here:

http://www.schizophrenia.com/szfacts.htm

Schizophrenia and Violence

People with schizophrenia are far more likely to harm themselves than be violent toward the public. Violence is not a symptom of schizophrenia.

News and entertainment media tend to link mental illnesses including schizophrenia to criminal violence. Most people with schizophrenia, however, are not violent toward others but are withdrawn and prefer to be left alone. Drug or alcohol abuse raises the risk of violence in people with schizophrenia, particularly if the illness is untreated, but also in people who have no mental illness.

[howiemarx]

[Big John]

Found this here;

http://rstb.royalsocietypublishing.org/ ... /2505.full

Robust evidence has accumulated showing that individuals who develop schizophrenia are at elevated risk when compared to the general population to engage in violence towards others. This violence impacts negatively on victims as well as perpetrators and poses a significant financial burden to society. It is posited that among violent offenders with schizophrenia there are three distinct types defined by the age of onset of antisocial and violent behaviour. The early starters display a pattern of antisocial behaviour that emerges in childhood or early adolescence, well before illness onset, and that remains stable across the lifespan. The largest group of violent offenders with schizophrenia show no antisocial behaviour prior to the onset of the illness and then repeatedly engage in aggressive behaviour towards others. A small group of individuals who display a chronic course of schizophrenia show no aggressive behaviour for one or two decades after illness onset and then engage in serious violence, often killing, those who care for them. We hypothesize that both the developmental processes and the proximal factors, such as symptoms of psychosis and drug misuse, associated with violent behaviour differ for the three types of offenders with schizophrenia, as do their needs for treatment

I only pointed this out due to experience I have seen myself and what my friends have had to deal with in NYC emergency rooms where this is a ongoing problem. I am not trying to scare anyone but just give a word to the wise.

As you said above most people like this just end up in a downward spiral where they do drugs and booze to self medicate until the are homeless and get arrested.

[Luzwei]

To offer some practical experience and advice.

When my mother was mentally ill, she said numerous times she will kill me in my sleep because she was suspicious that I would harm her. In the end she laid her hands on herself first. Mental illness is a struggle with yourself more than it's a channel to hurt others around you.

[howiemarx]

[John W.]

Nope, my ex worked with people diagnosed with schizophrenia a lot. It was my understanding that the violent aspects were overhyped, that's all. I'm by no means an expert, just felt an empathetic need to calm Tom's nerves a bit there.

EDIT: I get the confusion, I put the quote in italics to show it was from the link above. Sorry I was unclear.

[enframed]

First: get her to a proper, good shrink now. I have seen this from both sides and a misdiagnosis and wrong meds will do harm. REALLY REALLY REALLY great harm.

Secondly, I'd suggest that they first try couple's counselling. If they can't resolve stuff and still decide to part ways once she's straightened out her meds and been on them long enough to be "normal," that's fine, but it's relieving to know why it's happening in the first place when you are the person who is most blatantly flawed. I found myself hating myself for being bipolar and just wanting to demolish what I perceived to be the flaw. I can't imagine it's much different with a schizophrenic, and that is not a nice place to be in.

Wanting to rip a psych's face off is not unreasonable. Trust me. I still have yet to meet one who doesn't provoke that response.

She agreed to go to marriage counseling, but she has a history of just not going to scheduled appointments. We've been on her a lot more about it, so hopefully she can go to this one.

She isn't willing to see another shrink though. She's claims she's happy where she's at. You know, I find my self waffling with that. I mean, if she says she's happy and not hurting anyone, who am I to interfere with that? But then I hear her talking about the 8 voices in her head talking to her, the just dead vacant stare in her eyes. I think about her spending time with my daughter. I don't want to keep them apart, but I also don't want my daughter exposed to that. That's not the primary motivation, of course, but my point is I don't want to isolate her from us.

Has anyone called the psych who took her off the meds on this? Not that it would help necessarily, but perhaps he might call her. Call him and give him the whole story of what has transpired recently. Sounds like a terrible situation.

Don't get divorced.

Sometimes it's the only answer.

[madmanmunt]

Don't get divorced.

Don't get married?

[Luzwei]

Don't get divorced.

Don't get married?

That works, too.

[BobbyPeru]

Marriage.. the first step to divorce.

[VaticanShotglass]

Wow, I can't believe the thoughtful replies I got to this. I've been super busy. But I'll give a proper read in the morning. Thanks folks.

[VaticanShotglass]

Academia certainly helps nothing related to healthy living. I've been very cautious about this since I started post graduate studies. I do my best to keep a normal 8:00-6:00 day, everyday. But there's no way not to clash over it. To the uninitiated the sight of me working my hardest doesn't look much different from me blowing things off on a Saturday afternoon. So it never looks like I'm working, which is horrible during term paper season when I have to do an amazing amount of invisible mental labor to the neglect of laundry and so on. It is predictable and regular, and I try to do my best to prepare for it, but if you aren't in the line of work, it just can't be explained why two weeks of every term your partner can barely manage to brush and shower let alone cook dinner.

Tell her it's ok if she fucks other dudes, as long as you can still get some. See what she says. I'm not kidding.

I'm pretty sure I've thrown a more tactful version of something close this out there just for some insight. Infidelity would not be the worst thing in the world for me at this point.

If she doesn't know what's wrong well enough to articulate it to you so you can work on it or formulate some sort of plan for dealing with it and isn't willing to put the work into figuring it out through therapy or other means, there's no point continuing on, no matter how much you might love that other person and cling to the belief that things will work themselves out.

This is where things are right now. I pretty much delivered exactly this a few weeks back. She was receptive and made some calls for counseling, but her efforts have started to stall out. I'm capable of picking up the slack, but I really wanted to see her put in the effort. I've spent years off and on working hard on my problems in therapy and otherwise. I'm very much a mess of a person but I put lots of work into keeping a lid on it and being considerate of how I affect those around me. I just want her to do some similar work.

[VaticanShotglass]

My god. Nearly two exact years later and I'm back to this point. Reading it all out in this thread again is so striking. Two years of trying so hard to be right back to the same place. This is surely a dead end marriage. I just don't know how I'm going to pull it off. She still points to a good week here or there. But two fucking years with zero improvement (not mentioning the years it took us to get to that point). I gave her the better part of my 20's; I don't want to do the same with my 30's.

[givemenoughrope]

Getting reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally close.....ugh...

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[VaticanShotglass]

So it sounds stupid, but after years of pulling myself from the edge of ruin and a year of drifting from couch to couch I'm finally trying to move my stuff out of my apartment shared with my wife. I don't really have any help and I'm going to have to live with my family for a while until I figure out something else. It all fucking sucks. I don't want to leave my cats. That sounds stupid, but they have been the best and only company I've had for most of the past several years. I'm really, really sad and kind of reeling trying to figure out all the practical things I need to do. I hate it all.