Hey Tmidgett

[johnnyemphysema]

Tim,

I'm having a pulled pork sandwich from Smoky Jon's BBQ; it tasty but a bit messy and my beard is covered in sauce. I have some wet naps for clean up but they are pretty small and the BBQ sauce has penetrated pretty deep. I feel like I need a shower but I am at work. Do you have any further advice?

[Trad]

Tim,

I'm having a pulled pork sandwich from Smoky Jon's BBQ; it tasty but a bit messy and my beard is covered in sauce. I have some wet naps for clean up but they are pretty small and the BBQ sauce has penetrated pretty deep. I feel like I need a shower but I am at work. Do you have any further advice?

Damn you. I'm off to my automobile and then to Smoky Jon's. Fucker.

[Johnny 13]

Dear Tim midgett,
I am Prince James Irabo from the First Bank of Nigeria
Plc,Lagos BranchI got your contact through the internet.I have urgent and very confidential business proposal for you.
On June 6, 1999, an America Oil consultant/contractorwith the Nigerian
National Petroleum Corporation,Mr. Charles Ballassi made a numbered time (fixed) deposit for twelve calendar months, valued at US$9,700,000.00(NineMillion
Seven Hundred Thousand Dollars )in my branch upon
maturity. I sent a rountine notification to his forwarding
address but got no reply.After a month,we sent a reminder
and finally we discovered from his contract employers,the
Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation that Mr. Charles
Ballassi died in the plane crash of 31 October 1999[with Egyptian
990] with other passengers aboaed as you can confirm it yourself viathe
website below:
http://www.cnn.com/us/9911/02/egyptair9 ... index.html
on further investigation, i found out that he died without making a
WILL, and attempts to trace his next of kin was fruitless. I therefore
made further investigation and discovered that Mr. Charles Ballassi did
not declare any next of kin or relations in all his official documents,
including his bank deposit paperwork in my bank. This sum of
US$9,700,000.00 is still in my bank and the interest is being rolled over with the pricipal sum at the end of each
year. No one will ever come forward to claim it.According
to Nigerian law, at the expiration of (five)years, the
money will revert to the ownership of the Nigerian
Government if nobody applies to claim the fund.
Consequently,my proposal is that i will like you as a
foreigner to stand as the next of kin to Mr. Charles
Ballassi so that the fruit of this old man's labour will not get into
the hands of some corrupt Government officials. This is simple, I will
like you to provide immediately your
full name and address so that the Attorney will prepare
the necessary documents and affidavits which will put you
in place as the next of kin.We shall employ the service oftwo attorney for the drafting and notarization of the WILLand obtain the ecessary documents and letter of probate/administration in your favour for the transfer.Any bank account in any part of the world which you will
provide will then facilitate the transfer of this money toyou as the
beneficiary/next of kin. The money will be paid into your account for us to share in ratio of 60% for me and 40% for you. There is no risk at all, the paperwork for this transaction will be done by the attorney and my position as the Branch Manager guarantees the successful
execution of ths transaction. If you are interested,please
reply immediately via the private email address below,uponyour responce,i shall provide you with more details and
relevant documents that will help you understand the
transaction. Please observe utmost confidentiality and be rest assured that this transaction would be most
profitable for both of us because i shall require your
assitance to invest my share in your country.
Please upon the reciept of this mail message, send to me the following
to enable start the process of the fund into your bank account:
1. Your full Name
2. The name of your bank where you want the fund to be transfered into
3. Your private Telephone and fax numbers
Awaiting your urgent reply via my email:ijames4u@ny.com
Thanks and regards,

Prince James Irabo.
MANAGER,FIRST BANK OF NIGERIA Plc.

[B_M_L]

I take this to mean you have been producing at least runny stool during this time.

Yes - sorry I meant to type Gastric.

And yes, life threatening if you don't get medical attention. My doctor likes to point out that it is a fast way to die if you live in a hot country with no access to a hosipital. I am lucky that I live in London and have good insurance, and a nice doctor. The worst bit was the flight home.

[penny mink]

Dear TMidg,

Dreamed last night that you sold me a calculator. It only had the numbers: 1,3,0,4,6. You told me it was the model "One and Three and Friends". Then Andy came in and said that I should go for the " optional subtraction package". I knew you'd like to know.

[itchy mcgoo]

Dear TMidg,

Dreamed last night that you sold me a calculator. It only had the numbers: 1,3,0,4,6. You told me it was the model "One and Three and Friends". Then Andy came in and said that I should go for the " optional subtraction package". I knew you'd like to know.

If this is true, this is incredible.

Hi, Tim.

I have a wrist watch that bears the label a good maker, but which I assume to be fake. I like the size and weight and appearance of this watch a great deal. However, it's slowing in its time-keeping and needs a battery change. It caused me to be a little behind schedule this morning, which I dislike greatly.

So, at the moment, I am at my desk considering risking the minor social indiginity of having the battery on a perhaps fake watch changed. I could risk undertaking the complicated battery changing myself, which might ruin this watch which I like.

[cwiko]

Hi tmidgett!

Long time listener, first time caller. It's snowing out again here in Chicago. Could you please make it stop?

[John Houlihan]

Hello tmidgett,

Could you suggest something funny for me to write in this thread?

I hope this letter finds you well.

John

[matthewbarnhart]

Hey tmidgett!

Katey's family is coming to Texas for Passover in a few weeks. The house is clean now.

Making my 3rd trip to Lockhart for the year next week when we play in Boog. I hope my colon survives.

I am getting my first professional haircut of the 2000's in an hour.

More updates later.

Ok! Ciao!

[Braden]

Hey TM,

I'm on a huge Spaghetti Western kick right now, have you seen many?

[Minotaur029]

Yo, Tim-

If my girlfriend and I treat you to a White Sox game, will you watch my dog for the weekend?

[ssakmule]

Hi Tim,

any silkworms boiled while making the silkworm records?
Will Andy grow hair on his head if he rubs some manure on it?

[madmanmunt]

Hey Tmidgett,

You did such a good job explaining that "I am a prostitute" Achewood strip. Can you explain all the other ones for me as well?

Thanks!

[Justin Foley]

Kerbled.

Some of you people are fucking weird is what.

= Justin

[Chromodynamic]

Dear Tim,

I am trying to grow an olive tree in my greenhouse, do you have any tips for successful germination? I am using ground up blackboard chalk as a soil conditioner; boy was I ever so excited to finally use a mortar and pestle for something!

[El Protoolio]

Het Tmidgett

I just fed the cats and now I'm taking a dump and waiting for the coffee to finish brewing.

Just thought you'd be interested.

Interesting. The pre-coffee dump. Not standard procedure for most people, I would wager.

I would agree but that's just the way my shit schedule works. As soon as I wake up I'm ready to unload. So by the time I get to my coffee it has no effect. I can't say that's true about lunch though.

Just thought you'd want me to follow up on this.

[tmidgett]

Tim,

I'm having a pulled pork sandwich from Smoky Jon's BBQ; it tasty but a bit messy and my beard is covered in sauce. I have some wet naps for clean up but they are pretty small and the BBQ sauce has penetrated pretty deep. I feel like I need a shower but I am at work. Do you have any further advice?

Michael Dahlquist told me a funny story about a guy at a trade show.

MD was working in a booth.

Guy came by. Big guy, slovenly, unwashed. Smelled bad. His face was badly chapped as if windburned. And he had barbecue sauce on this face.

Guy was talking about this and that having to do with imaging software (which MD's company sold).

MD is transfixed by this barbecue sauce on his face.

Then the guy notices MD noticing the barbecue sauce on his face.

Guy 'reaches into his mouth' (Michael's words--he didn't lick his fingers, he REACHED INTO HIS MOUTH) and pulled out a...gob...of...something. Saliva...didn't quite cover it. Mucus, I guess.

Guy 'rubs it into his face,' dispersing the barbecue sauce in sufficient manner to camouflage its presence.

It puts me off my feed to even relate this story to you, but 1) it is topical, and 2) it was more pungent yet coming from Michael, with his great storytelling ability. So it could be worse.

Anyway, you might try that.

Dear Tim midgett,
I am Prince James Irabo from the First Bank of Nigeria

No.

The worst bit was the flight home.

I know someone with the initials Biznono who had a terrible puking and shitting trans-Atlantic flight a couple years ago. It sounded pretty bad.

Dear TMidg,

Dreamed last night that you sold me a calculator. It only had the numbers: 1,3,0,4,6. You told me it was the model "One and Three and Friends". Then Andy came in and said that I should go for the " optional subtraction package". I knew you'd like to know.

!

Hi, Tim.

I have a wrist watch that bears the label a good maker, but which I assume to be fake. I like the size and weight and appearance of this watch a great deal. However, it's slowing in its time-keeping and needs a battery change. It caused me to be a little behind schedule this morning, which I dislike greatly.

So, at the moment, I am at my desk considering risking the minor social indiginity of having the battery on a perhaps fake watch changed. I could risk undertaking the complicated battery changing myself, which might ruin this watch which I like.

Yeah....Oh, hi, Itchy. Anyway, I would probably try to change it myself. But if you are 'all thumbs,' you should just take it to Target and have the watch person there do it. I once had them change a battery in a watch, and I had purchased both battery and watch elsewhere! WTF, it's Target.

Hi tmidgett!

Long time listener, first time caller. It's snowing out again here in Chicago. Could you please make it stop?

Really? Shit. I am going to have an unpleasant commute on my motor scooter. Perhaps I will take a cab.

I cannot make it stop.

Hello tmidgett,

Could you suggest something funny for me to write in this thread?

I hope this letter finds you well.

John

John, I am drawing a blank.

I am confident I will continue to draw a blank.

I have some fair warning when the muse is going to honor me with her presence, and she is not coming around in the near future.

Sorry.

Hey tmidgett!

Katey's family is coming to Texas for Passover in a few weeks. The house is clean now.

Making my 3rd trip to Lockhart for the year next week when we play in Boog. I hope my colon survives.

I am getting my first professional haircut of the 2000's in an hour.

More updates later.

Ok! Ciao!

Y'all are Jewish?

I regret that we will not be coming to TX in June, as I once thought.

I got a haircut in late December. I sent the stylist a photo of George Clooney and told her to do that. Fuck me if she didn't cut it just like George Clooney's. It was remarkable.

I haven't gotten it cut since, and the Clooney cut is long gone.

Hey TM,

I'm on a huge Spaghetti Western kick right now, have you seen many?

Fistful of Dollars, For a Few Dollars More, Good Bad and the Ugly, Once Upon a Time in America. I think that's about it.

Yo, Tim-

If my girlfriend and I treat you to a White Sox game, will you watch my dog for the weekend?

Sorry, I can't.

I love dogs, but I have no time to care for them. It's a First World Problem of mine.

Hi Tim,

any silkworms boiled while making the silkworm records?
Will Andy grow hair on his head if he rubs some manure on it?

No, and I doubt it.

Andy has said he might slightly prefer to have hair than not.

Regardless, he's certainly taken the right tack by eliminating what's left. I would have the same haircut if it was allowed.

Hey Tmidgett,

You did such a good job explaining that "I am a prostitute" Achewood strip. Can you explain all the other ones for me as well?

I'm afraid this is a rather broad request, and I do not have the wherewithal to fulfill it at this time.

Sorry.

Kerbled.

Ha! Unbelievable.

Dear Tim,

I am trying to grow an olive tree in my greenhouse, do you have any tips for successful germination? I am using ground up blackboard chalk as a soil conditioner; boy was I ever so excited to finally use a mortar and pestle for something!

I don't know anything at all about cultivating olives. But I would imagine Spokane is a suboptimal climate for doing it.

Which will make it all the more impressive when you succeed!

I would agree but that's just the way my shit schedule works. As soon as I wake up I'm ready to unload. So by the time I get to my coffee it has no effect. I can't say that's true about lunch though.

Just thought you'd want me to follow up on this.

You are fortunate on this front. As we age, regular bowel movements attain a hallowed status in our lives that would be unimaginable earlier in life.

[sunlore]

Het tmidgettje:

De francoficker mietje nee mij gekallen af de telefoonij met den gigdetailen, voor Ik nee gkallenvliedje je. Ik ben de sorrij. Ok, vaar-te fantastikoop.

This is Dutch? French fucker homosexual either did or did not call you with the gig details?

This is either good or bad news. Perhaps neutral.

My mind is utterly blown by this.

[Tree]

Hey Timmons, just a quick hit, then I'll hang up and listen.

I try to be at work around 5:30am as well, but haven't been getting there until a little after 6:00 lately. Mind you, I don't have to be there until 7:00, but I've been having trouble getting up in the morning. I am 30.

I, too, had a dream about you lately. It was also at T&G and we talked. I admired your shoes. Everything about the dream happened except the talking. I am wearing beige Simples right now.

[elisha wiesner]

hey tm,

we're playing our first show in a while tomorrow night in boston, following it up with a practice of new songs on saturday. brokaw and wussy are also playing the show and it should be a fun evening. both rob and i have bad colds. i almost have no voice right now. any advice?

-ew