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The Bidet

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The Bidet

hell no
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oh yeah
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Total votes : 3

The Bidet

Postby Sprague Dawley on Fri Sep 27, 2019 5:15 pm

After 25 years sequestered away here on the Pitcairns I finally mustered the courage to engage with the array of buttons on the space age Japanese shitter. Had long thought hell no, all these buttons are in Japanese, dumbarse me will just push the wrong fucken button and instantly transform the bog cubicle into an uncontrollable raging geyser of shit spew, funneling all up the walls and all over my own hands and face and eyelids and garmentry.

Turns out there's only 3 buttons. The "Bidet" button is actually for the ladies. If I'd ever paid attention I wouldve fucken seen the button is PINK and is actually a picture of a chicks arse. Moran. Some sort of gash flush I'd imagine. I'm too chicken to push that button

Next button is a mild-strength thin spout of water shooting right up the clacker. Woah. I braced myself expecting the worst and still maintain that brace expecting the worst.

Last button is the full monty. The pneumatic arse-clag remover. A power jet of sumptious intent. Straight and hard. OK, it wasn't that powerful. But still vaguely terrifying. I still tense myself expecting this Apollo 13 of colonic import to go 1986 Challenger on my arse. ffs. Loosen up, man. Maybe my rigourous WASP heritage precludes me from enjoying the deliciously dizzying sensation of jet streams of warm water providing a full colonic enema right up the clacka after every dump.

PRO-TIP: you got to pluck your junk up so it aint dangling down when ol' faithful lets loose. I guess you should cover the bog bowl with your big fat arse too, to seal off all exits, but ffs even if you don't I don't think towers of water are going to shoot out of the bog bowl at random angles, showering the walls with souvenir strains of fecal matter. This would be a noticeable design flaw.

Now feel a bit dumb and unsophisticated and coarse for having persisted with toilet paper since I graduated from diapery in the 1920's. Gross. Clawing around the anus fissure with scraps of paper, getting it all over your hands, even having to visibly witness the revolting aftershart refuse of your decaying meat machine. Ugh. What was I thinking.

Turns out the Butthole Surfers were right all along. There really is a Brown Reason To Live.

Image

It's taken me this long to realise the entire concept of the record was an ode to the bidet. Even their goddamn band name.

Thank you, Butthole Surfers.
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Re: The Bidet

Postby mrcancelled on Fri Sep 27, 2019 6:54 pm

It's hard to go back to non-bidet toilets after getting used to them. A little more manual than a bidet, but I loved the little hoses next to toilets in southeast Asia. Even the most remote and off-the-grid places we traveled through seemed to have them in the bathrooms. After a day of traveling in the brutal heat covered in sweat and dirt, it's nice to at least know your butthole will be clean.
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Re: The Bidet

Postby Dave N. on Fri Sep 27, 2019 9:29 pm

I’ve only seen two bidets in Central Texas. One was at the Italian artist Benini’s studio out in the hill country. The other one belongs to my landlady, who lives in the duplex opposite of me. She went on vacation in Europe last year and asked if I’d take care of her cat, offering a generous rent discount in return. When I went to go feed the cat, I couldn’t help but notice her bidet (litter box was in the bathroom). I never got up the nerve to use it, but every time I see her, I think “”Dang, that lady has a squeaky clean asshole.”
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Re: The Bidet

Postby Anonymous37 on Fri Sep 27, 2019 9:29 pm

Did I hear you say the bidet?
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Re: The Bidet

Postby RSMurphy on Fri Sep 27, 2019 10:08 pm

A bidet is nice, I guess. A shower shot is thorough and engaging.
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Re: The Bidet

Postby Dave N. on Sat Sep 28, 2019 12:36 am

Not if the drain is slow.
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Re: The Bidet

Postby oZZma on Sat Sep 28, 2019 2:18 am

In Italy bidet are the norm. You don't find stuff like apartments without a bidet (except some towns in the north)
We see this thing that many countries (the majority actually) DON'T use bidets as baffling, I can't imagine having a shit in the morning and not washing my ass, or, especially in summer, not having the opporrunity to use a bidet during menstruations.
Oh, anyways I'd recommend using the bidet AFTER wiping you ass, wow really people out there imagine it to be a substitute to toilet paper?
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Re: The Bidet

Postby llllllllllllllllllllllll on Sat Sep 28, 2019 7:04 am

You can buy detachable ones in America that are pretty cheap and install easily. I did get to use one of those fancy Japanese ones at Narita and it was interesting I guess.
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Re: The Bidet

Postby Sprague Dawley on Sat Sep 28, 2019 7:09 pm

oZZma wrote:I'd recommend using the bidet AFTER wiping you ass, wow really people out there imagine it to be a substitute to toilet paper?

OH SHIT.

I think I messed up.

GODDAMNIT.

I disgust myself.
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Re: The Bidet

Postby llllllllllllllllllllllll on Sat Sep 28, 2019 9:44 pm

No, I don’t think that’s right. You just need toilet paper to dry off afterwards.
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Re: The Bidet

Postby oZZma on Sun Sep 29, 2019 3:22 am

llllllllllllllllllllllll wrote:No, I don’t think that’s right. You just need toilet paper to dry off afterwards.

:smt018
I have been using bidets all my life! I am a PRO bidet user! and these are PRO bidet tips! The procedure is toilet paper->bidet->bath towel, try this way for better results, your ass will feel as fresh as a mountain spring! :smt043
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Re: The Bidet

Postby Sprague Dawley on Sun Sep 29, 2019 5:21 am

oZZma wrote:The procedure is toilet paper->bidet->bath towel,

WFT. Are you fucking high? If I emerge from the shitter buck-naked with a BATH TOWEL sticking out of my arse my wife will not only elbow me right in the fucking face she will also stab me in the brains and then have my clearly deranged arse deported directly to the nearest fucken jungle

Wiping your arse with a bath towel? FFS. Not the fucken Sultan of Brunei here. "Just dispose of the bath towel after each shit. It's what we do on the continent."
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Re: The Bidet

Postby oZZma on Sun Sep 29, 2019 5:29 am

Sprague Dawley wrote:Not the fucken Sultan of Brunei here. "Just dispose of the bath towel after each shit. It's what we do on the continent."


:smt043 :smt043 :smt043
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Re: The Bidet

Postby Boombats on Sun Sep 29, 2019 11:07 am

People really have ass issues
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