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"50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2006"

PostPosted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 10:17 pm
by Andrew L.
Here.

Some highlights.

45. Bob Woodward

Charges: The kind of jerk that’d steer a tour bus off a cliff, then charge every passenger 20 bucks to hear him scream, "We’re all going to die!" An unabashed chicken driven by deference to money and power; Woodward sits on stories of critical importance until they hatch into best-selling books. A mouthpiece of the status quo who sucks any way the wind blows. Practically choked on the biggest member of the administration in 2002’s hagiographic Bush at War, but when Bush’s poll numbers went irrevocably flaccid, he saw fit to drop the "classic Woodward bombshells" in State of Denial, although a number of the "bombshells" would have been more useful in 2004. A guy with such access to power that he’s become power.

Exhibit A: Says "rah-por-ting," like an autistic robot.

Sentence: Sent back in time to 1971 for what he thinks is a casual chat with Richard Nixon; ambushed and severely beaten by Woodward & Bernstein.


30. Rush Limbaugh

Charges: It’s hard to believe this repulsive shit fountain is even human, until you remember that we share 70% of our DNA with pigs. Then again, to be any more hypocritical Rush would actually have to be a member of another species. After the Democrats took congress in November, Limbaugh said he felt "liberated" because "I no longer am going to have to carry the water for people who I don’t think deserve having their water carried," essentially telling his listeners he’d been lying to them all year. The dittoheads didn’t mind; that’s why they listen.

Exhibit A: If someone had taken a shotgun and blown Rush’s head clean off while he was wobbling his bloated body back and forth in an inconceivably cruel mockery of Michael J. Fox, whom he accused of faking his Parkinson’s symptoms for political effect, it would have been the greatest viral video of them all.

Sentence: Parkinson’s disease, of course, triggered by oxycontin abuse.



26. Ann Coulter

Charges: It was a run of the mill year for Ann: openly calling for the murder of a Supreme Court justice and the entire staff of the New York Times, accusing 9/11 widows of "enjoying their husband’s deaths" and Bill Clinton of being a rapist. Coulter’s neck gained an amazing 3 vertical inches in 2006; inside sources attribute this to a strict regimen of deep-throating Satan’s scaly cock. It’s projected that by 2010 Coulter will be able to plagiarize the Illinois Right to Life Committee website more deftly than she did in this year’s ode to mindless intolerance of tolerance, Godless, simply by snaking her grotesque head-ladder through the ventilation ducts of their office and skulking away with their webmaster’s hard drive clenched firmly in her masculine jaw. Ann’s slipping, though; she’s become an unconvincing fascist parody, increasingly betraying herself in televised interviews, blushing at her own brazen idiocy. She’s faking it, and so are her tits.

Exhibit A: "Hi, I’m Ann Coulter."

Sentence: Most "controversial" statements redacted from "Exhibit A," as they’re a naked ploy for attention–-and Adam’s apple removed with a backhoe.



5. Deepak Chopra

Charges: Widely regarded by new age simpletons to be a font of wisdom, Chopra peddles a chutney-flavored weak anthropic principle based on the usual dippy claptrap about "universal energy" and a profoundly erroneous extrapolation of quantum physics. An accused plagiarist and sexual harasser, Chopra entreats his readers to abandon their silly religious traditions—and adopt his. Pitching a watered-down Hinduism as some perfect union of science and spirituality while supporting Intelligent Design and purporting to "prove" the existence of an afterlife, Chopra’s work proves only one thing: he’s just another mystical moron providing a psychic security blanket to soft-skulled suckers.

Exhibit A: Suggested a Middle East Disney World and Iraqi Nickelodeon to mollify their rage.

Sentence: Five years shoveling actual bullshit.



20. Flavor Flav

Charges: Fondly remembered as the loopy jester of the world’s most serious hip hop act, this monofaceted neo-minstrel landed a career in public debauchery on VH-1 when Chuck D’s threadbare coattails finally gave way. After spending two years publicly chasing a gargantuan Danish lush, Flav decided to seek love in the traditional way, by plumbing the depths of human depravity on the most cynically trashy dating show in a field of strong contenders for that title. "Flavor of Love" is a contrived, exploitative confirmation of every racist and misogynist stereotype regarding gold-digging ghetto hoes and stoned, groping deadbeats you never heard, setting the civil rights movement back several years, prompting Public Enemy to issue a disapproving disclaimer, and causing our staff to reconsider the first amendment.

Exhibit A: "You’re blind baby, you’re blind from the facts on who you are, ‘cause you’re watching that garbage."

Sentence: Locked in a room with a clone of himself.



16. You

Charges: Your whole life has been a pitiful exercise in rote mimicry, a meek subjugation of individuality in exchange for herd approval. Your delusions of "common sense" wisdom stem from an unwillingness to seek information and an inability to critically analyze it. You never hesitate to offer strong opinions on subjects you don’t know a damn thing about. You’re willing to believe anything a guy in a suit says on TV, as long as it doesn’t hint at your culpability in the negligent homicide of your country and planet or otherwise cloud your streak-free conscience. You’re more worried about friction on the "Desperate Housewives" set than the lack of health coverage at your tedious, soul-destroying job. You have no idea what is going on in the world, and you’re fine with that. You are why democracy doesn’t work.

Exhibit A: You’re Time magazine’s person of the year. So was Hitler.

Sentence: More of the same.




The top ten is great...

PostPosted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 10:27 pm
by clocker bob
Hey, I made the list!
40. Alex Jones

Charges: A blustery schizoid moron who makes everyone near him look like an ass just for not punching him when they have the chance. False prophet of the lunatic fringe’s lunatic fringe, Jones has crafted a paranoid alternate reality incorporating every cockamamie conspiracy ever conceived, from the "murder" of Princess Di to "Atlantis was an inside job." It’s all done by the Freemasons or the Bilderbergers, or something like that; politicians and world leaders who meet and perform secret satanic rituals, as if that would be worse than the things they really do in the light of day. Question authority, kids, but question raving maniacs too. We wouldn’t be surprised if Jones actually works for the Feds as an agent provocateur to make the left look stupid. Lord knows it worked on those "Loose Change" douchebags.


Oh well. They ranked Jesus Christ 11 positions in front of Jones.

Alex Jones: NOT CRAP!! Just not always right.

PostPosted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 10:36 pm
by kerble
super.


thanks, Andrew.

PostPosted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 10:38 pm
by Eierdiebe
haha, Deepak Chopra.

Kerble, you're not related to him are you?

PostPosted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 10:44 pm
by Jodi S.
This is my favorite "sentence":
Sentence: Drinking a martini in his bathrobe and reading the Wall Street Journal at his secret compound in the South Pacific, the "late" Mr. Lay starts choking on an olive when the 400th major daily article to describe his life as "Shakespearean" makes him laugh out loud. Lay falls out of his chair, impaling an eyeball with the stem of his glass and catching his penis in a $900 toaster. The electrical current triggers the long-dormant prefrontal cortex of his now-smoldering brain, suddenly activating Lay’s conscience. As he is slowly and painfully electrocuted over several minutes, Lay experiences a lifetime of guilt and remorse. Then he catches fire.

PostPosted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 10:44 pm
by kerble
Eierdiebe wrote:haha, Deepak Chopra.

Kerble, you're not related to him are you?


I can't tell you white people apart either, Dave.

PostPosted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 10:47 pm
by Ernest
Number 6 has to be Donald Trump. It just has to be.

PostPosted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 10:48 pm
by Ernest
Skronk wrote:Number 6 has to be Donald Trump. It just has to be.
Seriously.

PostPosted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 10:53 pm
by Eierdiebe
kerble wrote:
Eierdiebe wrote:haha, Deepak Chopra.

Kerble, you're not related to him are you?


I can't tell you white people apart either, Dave.


way to let me down, Faiz (i was hoping you might compare me to someone more hideous).

PostPosted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 10:54 pm
by clocker bob
Oh, now I see why the Beast is totally blowing fuses over Alex Jones and 9/11 Truth- Matt Taibbi is a major contributor ( although not listed as an author of this article ). Jones seems like the lowest profile figure on the list- is he well known beyond the conspiracy community? If so, good.

PostPosted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 10:56 pm
by kerble
Eierdiebe wrote:
kerble wrote:
Eierdiebe wrote:haha, Deepak Chopra.

Kerble, you're not related to him are you?


I can't tell you white people apart either, Dave.


way to let me down, Faiz (i was hoping you might compare me to someone more hideous).


More hideous than white people?

good luck on that one.


besides, we all know you look like Frida Kahlo.



ta!



Faiz

PostPosted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 10:58 pm
by andyman
Wow, this site is awesome.

PostPosted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 11:03 pm
by Eierdiebe
kerble wrote:
Eierdiebe wrote:
kerble wrote:
Eierdiebe wrote:haha, Deepak Chopra.

Kerble, you're not related to him are you?


I can't tell you white people apart either, Dave.


way to let me down, Faiz (i was hoping you might compare me to someone more hideous).


More hideous than white people?

good luck on that one.


besides, we all know you look like Frida Kahlo.



ta!



Faiz


that's more like it.

PostPosted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 11:06 pm
by kerble
K@HL0WN3D!!!!!!!

PostPosted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 11:07 pm
by lemur68
burun wrote:This is my favorite "sentence":
Sentence: Drinking a martini in his bathrobe and reading the Wall Street Journal at his secret compound in the South Pacific, the "late" Mr. Lay starts choking on an olive when the 400th major daily article to describe his life as "Shakespearean" makes him laugh out loud. Lay falls out of his chair, impaling an eyeball with the stem of his glass and catching his penis in a $900 toaster. The electrical current triggers the long-dormant prefrontal cortex of his now-smoldering brain, suddenly activating Lay’s conscience. As he is slowly and painfully electrocuted over several minutes, Lay experiences a lifetime of guilt and remorse. Then he catches fire.


Mine too.

PostPosted: Mon Jan 22, 2007 1:18 am
by blinduncledallas
Mel Gibson

Charges: If there was any question after the belligerent Jew-bashing Passion of the Christ, Mel’s 2006 Malibu pogrom proved once and for all the anti-Semitic apple doesn’t fall far from the Holocaust-denying tree. Hyperbolically claimed that "Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world," when everybody knows Jews are only behind 60% of armed global conflicts, tops.

PostPosted: Mon Jan 22, 2007 1:39 am
by Nina
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Gotta love the zoo.

PostPosted: Mon Jan 22, 2007 1:50 am
by horsewhip
...

PostPosted: Mon Jan 22, 2007 8:25 pm
by AdamN
If you like the Beast, you will love The eXile. It's where Taibbi got his start.

PostPosted: Mon Jan 22, 2007 11:19 pm
by stewie
WTF, no Dane Cook?