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Hilarious Joke

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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Boombats on Sat Aug 27, 2016 9:09 am

hillaryous
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Janeway on Sat Aug 27, 2016 9:10 am

cat lives matter :P

its cool to cross paths with the black ones now too. no need for antiquated human interaction anymore.
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Ben Abraham on Fri Sep 02, 2016 1:27 am

A coworker was telling me about a guy she knew that was prematurely born and how he has anxiety issues as a result of that. Apparently, he runs a support group for "pre-mes" called The Caesarian Section.


I'm not sure if she meant that to be a joke, or if she was being dead-ass, but I was cracking up.
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Re: the killing joke

Postby total_douche on Fri Sep 02, 2016 2:09 am

Janeway wrote:this adolescent society isnt evolving fast enough for me. at the same time, i'm the one they say acts like a kid

Sucks, don't it? This is why I will never apologize for my love of Cap'n Crunch and cartoons.
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Anthony Flack on Fri Sep 02, 2016 6:31 am

Fuck anybody who can't appreciate a good cartoon. Well, blind people get a pass.
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Re: the killing joke

Postby Janeway on Sat Sep 03, 2016 7:34 am

total_douche wrote:
Janeway wrote:this adolescent society isnt evolving fast enough for me. at the same time, i'm the one they say acts like a kid

Sucks, don't it? This is why I will never apologize for my love of Cap'n Crunch and cartoons.


yeah it sucks doughnut


i miss waffle crisp.. it was crunchy like capt n crunch but it tastes buttery and maple syrupy..
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Otto Parts on Thu Dec 22, 2016 11:54 am

Did you hear about the zoo whose only animal was a small dog? It was a shih tzu.
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby jimmy two hands on Mon Dec 26, 2016 12:09 pm

An executive is having a mid-life crisis and decides he wants to be a lumberjack. He quits his job and goes out to the northwest, drives out to a small town deep in the woods, and heads into a salloon. After starting a conversation he discovers lo and behold, the gentleman sitting next to him is a real live lumberjack. The lumberjack tells the man, "we're having a lumberjack party tonight, why don't you come along?" "Yes indeed," says the executive, "I've always wanted to go to a lumberjack party." The lumberjack says, "I gotta warn ya, there's gonnna be a lot of drinking." "That is fine with me," says the executive, "I have been to many parties in my day and I dare say I can handle my liquor." The lumberjack says, "also I gotta warn ya, there's gonna be a lot of fighting." "I have engaged in fisticuffs in my years," says the executive, "and I know my way about the pugilistic arts." "One more thing," says the lumberjack, "there's gonna be a lot of fucking." "I know my way with the fairer sex," states the executive, "and I'll leave it at that. Anyway, what does one wear to a lumberjack party?" "Don't matter none," replies the lumberjack, "it's just gonna be the two of us."
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Pasta on Mon Dec 26, 2016 2:15 pm

^A+
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby MJongo on Mon Dec 26, 2016 5:00 pm

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Janeway on Tue Dec 27, 2016 2:15 pm

my 96-year-old great aunt roommate used to love this one we heard on raymond one time that goes like "this dude walking in the park sees an old man crying on a bench and is like 'sir is everything okay?' and hes like 'its my wife' and the young guy is like 'oh did she pass on?' and hes like 'no she's young.. and beautiful and smart as a whip and sweeter than whipped cream and is a great cook and has the best sex with me all the time and truly loves me...' and the young guy is like "well shit, your life is better than mine is, what the hell are you so sad about? ' and the old man goes 'i forgot where i live'"
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Seby on Wed Feb 15, 2017 1:14 am

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"Philip Glass"

"Phillip Glass who?"

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"Philip Glass"

"Phillip Glass who?"

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"Philip Glass"

"Phillip Glass who?"

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"Philip Glass"

"Phillip Glass who?"

"Knock knock...."
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Janeway on Wed Feb 15, 2017 6:07 am

the tickets should say "close your legs and wallets ladies, its nickelback!!!..featuring creed"
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Janeway on Wed Feb 15, 2017 6:17 am

*oops i shoulve said purses. i carry around a wallet like a dude and i ruined the joke now.
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Janeway on Wed Feb 15, 2017 6:22 am

why did the chicken cross the road? .. he just didn't want any trouble.
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Parbuckle on Wed Feb 15, 2017 1:07 pm

^^The Philip Glass one is good, but I prefer the limerick version. I'm sure you can figure out how it goes.
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby scntfc on Wed Feb 15, 2017 2:08 pm

jimmy two hands wrote:An executive is having a mid-life crisis and decides he wants to be a lumberjack. He quits his job and goes out to the northwest, drives out to a small town deep in the woods, and heads into a salloon. After starting a conversation he discovers lo and behold, the gentleman sitting next to him is a real live lumberjack. The lumberjack tells the man, "we're having a lumberjack party tonight, why don't you come along?" "Yes indeed," says the executive, "I've always wanted to go to a lumberjack party." The lumberjack says, "I gotta warn ya, there's gonnna be a lot of drinking." "That is fine with me," says the executive, "I have been to many parties in my day and I dare say I can handle my liquor." The lumberjack says, "also I gotta warn ya, there's gonna be a lot of fighting." "I have engaged in fisticuffs in my years," says the executive, "and I know my way about the pugilistic arts." "One more thing," says the lumberjack, "there's gonna be a lot of fucking." "I know my way with the fairer sex," states the executive, "and I'll leave it at that. Anyway, what does one wear to a lumberjack party?" "Don't matter none," replies the lumberjack, "it's just gonna be the two of us."


there's another version of this one earlier in the thread. both are excellent.
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Speedie on Wed Jul 05, 2017 4:08 am

Three men arrive in Heaven at the same time, and St. Peter comes out to greet them.
“Sorry about this, guys,” says St. Peter, “God didn’t realize just how many people would get into Heaven, so we have a new policy. You now have to tell me the story of how you died, and if I think it’s sad or interesting enough, I’ll let you in.”
He walks up to the first man who is a nerdy, bookish sort in a bad business suit and says, “Tell me your story.”
“Okay,” says the man. “I thought I had a wonderful life. I had a beautiful wife and we had a lovely place on the 34th floor of an apartment building. I came home from work early today, and I saw my beautiful wife sleeping naked in bed. Then I saw another man’s clothes on the floor! So of course I started looking for the bastard who slept with my wife.”
The man continues, “Like I said, I lived in an apartment. There weren’t that many places to hide, but I couldn’t find him anywhere! Just when I was about to go confront my wife, I see him. The bastard was hiding outside the window, holding on to the windowsill. I go up to him and started stomping on his hands over and over again, but he wouldn’t let go. I finally kicked him in the face and he fell.
Unfortunately, he landed on a bush and bounced to safety. In my anger, I grabbed my refrigerator and threw it out after him. However, the cord from the refrigerator wrapped around my leg and pulled me to my death.”
St. Peter nods and says, “Your story is acceptable. Welcome to Heaven.”
He goes to the second man, a brawny working-man type, and says, “What’s your story?”
“I’m a window cleaner,” says the man, “I’ve been a window cleaner for over 20 years. Well today, I’m cleaning the windows of the 35th floor of this apartment building when my scaffolding breaks. I thought I was going to die, but I manage to catch myself on the windowsill of the story below.”
The man continues, “All of a sudden this maniac comes out and starts mashing my fingers. I try my best to hold on, but he kicks me in the face and I fall. Once again, I thought I was going to die, but I land on this hedge and bounce away, no worse for the wear. I look up and BOOM. Dead. Last thing I saw was a refrigerator.”
St. Peter holds back a chuckle and lets him into Heaven. He goes to the third man, a ridiculously handsome fellow with sandy-blonde hair, and asks, “What’s your story?”
“Alright,” says the third man, “Imagine me naked… in a refrigerator.”
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Janeway on Wed Jul 05, 2017 8:46 am

Speedie wrote:Three men arrive in Heaven at the same time, and St. Peter comes out to greet them.
“Sorry about this, guys,” says St. Peter, “God didn’t realize just how many people would get into Heaven, so we have a new policy. You now have to tell me the story of how you died, and if I think it’s sad or interesting enough, I’ll let you in.”
He walks up to the first man who is a nerdy, bookish sort in a bad business suit and says, “Tell me your story.”
“Okay,” says the man. “I thought I had a wonderful life. I had a beautiful wife and we had a lovely place on the 34th floor of an apartment building. I came home from work early today, and I saw my beautiful wife sleeping naked in bed. Then I saw another man’s clothes on the floor! So of course I started looking for the bastard who slept with my wife.”
The man continues, “Like I said, I lived in an apartment. There weren’t that many places to hide, but I couldn’t find him anywhere! Just when I was about to go confront my wife, I see him. The bastard was hiding outside the window, holding on to the windowsill. I go up to him and started stomping on his hands over and over again, but he wouldn’t let go. I finally kicked him in the face and he fell.
Unfortunately, he landed on a bush and bounced to safety. In my anger, I grabbed my refrigerator and threw it out after him. However, the cord from the refrigerator wrapped around my leg and pulled me to my death.”
St. Peter nods and says, “Your story is acceptable. Welcome to Heaven.”
He goes to the second man, a brawny working-man type, and says, “What’s your story?”
“I’m a window cleaner,” says the man, “I’ve been a window cleaner for over 20 years. Well today, I’m cleaning the windows of the 35th floor of this apartment building when my scaffolding breaks. I thought I was going to die, but I manage to catch myself on the windowsill of the story below.”
The man continues, “All of a sudden this maniac comes out and starts mashing my fingers. I try my best to hold on, but he kicks me in the face and I fall. Once again, I thought I was going to die, but I land on this hedge and bounce away, no worse for the wear. I look up and BOOM. Dead. Last thing I saw was a refrigerator.”
St. Peter holds back a chuckle and lets him into Heaven. He goes to the third man, a ridiculously handsome fellow with sandy-blonde hair, and asks, “What’s your story?”
“Alright,” says the third man, “Imagine me naked… in a refrigerator.”



a woman receives vip access into hell for killing four souls with one body, bypassing the line of heaven's rejects.
Last edited by Janeway on Wed Jul 05, 2017 9:37 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Hilarious Joke

Postby Janeway on Wed Jul 05, 2017 8:50 am

^cause there's no way some lady got three folks killed with one fridge and she wasn't poisoned in the bed or killed herself later for the morals of the story. that lady didn't get off that easy, no way. she got the "hell's doofus" award.
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