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Post while you are depressed thread

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Re: Post while you are depressed thread

Postby MJongo on Mon Feb 05, 2018 9:34 pm

Mailed paperwork for a disability lawyer to help me apply for SSI benefits three months ago but never heard from them. I have major anxiety and stutter over the phone so I had to have help from a case worker from my therapist’s office to finally call them to find out where I was in the process. Turns out they never got my paperwork in the mail, and closed my case permanently because a year ago I had been referred to them and got halfway through the paperwork before getting overwhelmed with depression and anxiety, and they figured I just did the same thing again. I told them I mailed it and the person didn’t believe me. My case manager vouched for me (in fact, a different case manager actually helped me fill everything out and mail it three months ago) but they still wouldn’t reopen my case. I started to cry and stutter and in that moment, completely lost all control and attempted suicide by hitting my head as hard as I could repeatedly into a wall. It was a dumb way to try to kill oneself, but I had had enough of this planet and just wanted to leave it forever as fast as I could. Needless to say I failed. I managed to bloody and bruise myself up really badly. I feel like there is no coming back from this. I want my depression and anxiety to end. I want to get better. But I feel like no matter what progress I make, the world always decides to slap me back. I feel more hopeless than I’ve ever been before in my life. I’m admitting to a message board full of people I’ve never met how much of a fuckup I am.
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Re: Post while you are depressed thread

Postby kokorodoko on Tue Feb 06, 2018 2:50 am

You're not a fuckup MJongo, you are getting fucked up. I don't know why, but those who are hurting the most seem to get the worst treatment.

Even if you want to un-fuckup yourself the energy has to come from somewhere, yeah? And when things are like that, it doesn't.

Everytime the choice is made to continue rather than give up, there is tremendous strength. It doesn't feel like it, but there is.
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Re: Post while you are depressed thread

Postby MJongo on Tue Feb 06, 2018 4:14 pm

Thanks everyone. Talking here has helped my self esteem so much. Made an appointment with my therapist Thursday, and hopefully they will be able to help straighten my meds out (was put on a new one a couple weeks ago and it hasn’t been working out). Gonna hang out with my friend tonight for his birthday and hopefully sing at a couple open mics.
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Re: Post while you are depressed thread

Postby MJongo on Tue Mar 20, 2018 12:13 pm

The last month has not been good. I've been unable to sleep and keep getting hit with overwhelming waves of sadness and crying. Started researching ways to die. Yesterday my therapist helped me find a bunch of daily intensive outpatient programs for depression, and we called them. All but one said they didn't accept my insurance, and the other wasn't sure. Just received the call this morning that they don't either. I don't want to go back to the hospital -- I wanted to die even more from the boredom the last time I admitted myself. I don't know what more I can do at this point.
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Re: Post while you are depressed thread

Postby WoundedFoot on Fri Mar 23, 2018 9:52 pm

I don't want to be the guy giving advice here, since I struggle with depression myself and feel a little choked up just reading some of these posts, but if you can do anything at all to make yourself feel less terrible, do that thing. In my experience, it has helped immensely.

Eat your favorite food. Even if you're not in the mood, turn on one of your favorite movies or albums, read one of your favorite books,etc. Reach out to an old friend. Tell someone you love them. It can work wonders.
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Re: Post while you are depressed thread

Postby Me Again on Sun Mar 25, 2018 6:40 pm

Won't give anyone advice on how to deal with depression, as I haven't quite mastered it yet. But one curious thing I've noticed, that might be of use to others, is how depression could be situated in relation to what one's willing to "put up with" at a given moment.

Can't speak for anyone else, but when I feel depressed, it usually goes hand in hand with stupid shit bothering me more. Insipid things, minor (or major) annoyances and so on will get under my skin and and my resistance will be lower. And if my patience is worn thin and I'm not in full possession of my faculties I might complain.

But when I'm feeling quite well I can entertain the dumbest shit imaginable (ancient aliens, flat earth theory) without it getting on my nerves as much. I can overhear insensitive comments or crude cheap shots, or witness stupid or silly behavior, or hear about how we're all going to hell in a handbasket, and not take it at all personally (even if I'm "supposed to").

So maybe there's some kind of "lesson" that could be teased out of this. Not that you should necessarily put up with bullshit 24/7 if you're "unstuck," but more that if you read your own emotions in response to various stimuli you can kind of gauge how resilient you are psychologically, and what you're capable of taking on at a given moment. Some days it's best not to take on much of anything at all and be aloof, if you can afford to. Sometimes it's best to untangle yourself, and just "be."
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Re: Post while you are depressed thread

Postby Me Again on Tue Mar 27, 2018 12:19 am

Re: Ancient Aliens, it's one thing to spin "an old wive's tale," or embellish for entertainment purposes. For instance, Bukowski (not one of my favorite authors) took so many liberties with his persona and semi-autobiographical fiction that several of his peers rightly dubbed him "Bullshitski" early on, even though few of his fans today seem to care. No, the problem with the show Ancient Aliens and the constellation of crackpot theories surrounding it is that they're making factual claims about historical and anthropological evidence and it's all complete, fabricated bullshit, as this video politely and painstakingly pointed out a few years back. (Incidentally, right now I happen to be wearing the coolest t-shirt ever, and it's related!)

Anyway, depression... sometimes it's chemical, sometimes it's situational, sometimes its genetic, sometimes...who knows where it came from, but it's here and you have to deal with it. Can say that it's definitely worn me down as a person, to the point that I find solace sometimes in strange things (like old movies nobody seems to care about, or uptempo soul music that never charted much, or new astronomy and cosmology videos on YouTube). I can claim to be on top of things and the "master of my fate," and maybe I am for some time. But eventually the blues will return and I'll have to wait them out. Doesn't matter how much money one has, whether he's liked by his close circle of friends, whether he's achieved something cool in his art or career, etc., etc. When one's depressed he's depressed. It's like being lonely, it can affect anyone at anytime, you could be a bum under a bridge or a famous tennis player with countless associates. I try to keep my mind occupied, but it still sneaks up from time to time.
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Re: Post while you are depressed thread

Postby famousjunkie on Tue Mar 27, 2018 1:45 pm

I've been going through some personal issues lately, and have definitely succumb to bids of melancholy. I'm not sure it's depression with a capital D, but at its worst, it has veered toward more disinterest and donothingness than I've ever really experienced. But, to be fair, it doesn't usually reach those levels. And I know that some of the circumstances surrounding it are going to fade away soon, this isn't my first rodeo.

What's interesting is that I can feel in my body when the depressive bout goes away. It is gradual, like a sunrise, and I suddenly feel active and interested. Is that serotonin? Either way, it makes me wonder what is actually going on in my body and what factors I can change to keep that sunrise powerful and regular. Exercise always gives me a boost, but it doesn't last all day. Sunshine helps a lot too, that's coming. Maybe some more turmeric?
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Re: Post while you are depressed thread

Postby sulfur)addict on Tue Mar 27, 2018 3:13 pm

Bad week, actively have to write things out or speak to myself to keep from catastrophizing. I am driving myself a bit crazy, and the weird part is I can't pin down why. Three things fell on me at once - an ex moving on, a housemate leaving, minor financial troubles - and I think they kicked in an angst over the rest of this year that I went into self-destruct mode.

It's fine, I had a shitty night and all, but no one was hurt. But I wish I could stop thinking about it!
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Re: Post while you are depressed thread

Postby Adam Sr on Tue Mar 27, 2018 3:18 pm

FUCK
LIFE
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Re: Post while you are depressed thread

Postby Pasta on Tue Mar 27, 2018 3:35 pm

Adam Sr wrote:FUCK
LIFE



NO PM
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Re: Post while you are depressed thread

Postby Me Again on Wed Mar 28, 2018 3:07 pm

Adam Sr wrote:FUCK
LIFE


Think it's safe to say that George Michael's career trajectory would've taken a sharp turn had Wham! used that as as their preferred slogan in the video for "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go."

Pasta wrote:NO PM


:lol:
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Re: Post while you are depressed thread

Postby Adam Sr on Wed Mar 28, 2018 3:09 pm

'Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go' is obviously a coded suicide pact.
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Re: Post while you are depressed thread

Postby Me Again on Wed Mar 28, 2018 3:11 pm

Next thing you're gonna tell me Katrina & The Waves were also party to this whole 1980s Top 40 thanatos thing.
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Re: Post while you are depressed thread

Postby Adam Sr on Wed Mar 28, 2018 3:12 pm

'Walking on Sunshine' is old slang for the flailing legs of a hanged man.
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Re: Post while you are depressed thread

Postby Me Again on Wed Mar 28, 2018 3:17 pm

On that note, I'm off to pen my latest spoof song, "Karma Kevorkian."
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Re: Post while you are depressed thread

Postby hayate on Thu Mar 29, 2018 3:24 pm

little bit depressed

will get over it
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Re: Post while you are depressed thread

Postby JohnnySomersett on Wed May 30, 2018 4:49 pm

So, I've managed to get myself into a really shitty situation (headspace-wise). It's entirely work-related but I'm definitely trapped to an extent. I've worked for the same company for 14 years, worked my way up, gradually earn't more & more money and have been living pretty damn comfortably. I have been trying to get the opportunity to run my own shop with the company (we're a Plumbing supplier) for about 8 years and finally I got given the chance at the beginning of this year. The trouble is, instead of the usual way of being given the choice of a town local to you to open one from scratch, I've inherited an old shithole of a shop and in a town I do not know.

It's not going well. Through no fault of my own its hemorrhaging money & shows no sign of improving despite all my best efforts. This whole situation has made me realise i hate my job. I mean, really fucking hate it...to the point where I've been close to panic attacks again, my insomnia is back with a vengeance and I'm permanently miserable. I hate the industry, I hate the people and the mentality they have.

Easy fix, right? Quit your job. Done. The one key issue is that I'm completely un-qualified in anything. So I'm trapped. I know I want out of anything to do with sales and/or customer services, and after doing some long hard thinking, I know I'll be happier doing something that involves using my hands (joinery, metalwork, etc) but all of those fields need me to have some level of qualification to even start at the bottom...and the bottom isn't going to cover the basic bills we have. I turned 36 yesterday and an apprentice wage wont cover the mortgage. I have found some evening/weekend courses but that's going to set me back £5000+ to get halfway there, then I have to find a job that will take me at this age, with low experience.

I have no idea what to do and it's spiralling pretty rapidly.
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Re: Post while you are depressed thread

Postby JohnnyDoglands on Wed May 30, 2018 6:55 pm

JohnnySomersett wrote:Easy fix, right? Quit your job. Done. The one key issue is that I'm completely un-qualified in anything. So I'm trapped.


You have 14 years experience in the plumbing supplies industry. I bet you know a shitload about it. Time served is very important and often employers are more interested in your recent employment experience than your qualifications. Plus you have supervisory/management experience, I bet lots of places are looking for that.

If you'd rather re-train, then have a look into what kind of funding the Learning and Skills Council/ your local college provide. You may need to be unemployed to get access to the funding (say you need it to increase your employability as you can't find a job). I did this myself a couple of years ago and it worked wonders for me.

I know from experience what a massive bummer being unemployed is, but you do currently have a job, so you could always bank some money before you leave for medical reasons. Make sure you and your employer are aware you are leaving for medical reasons (go see your GP about depression, get yourself some medically ordered time off, your employer can't argue with that) and you will have less shit to deal with from the jobcentre if you have to make a claim. You've paid your taxes so you have put plenty into the system and should be able to take some out if you want.

With regards to staying employed, I've been through the whole 'job driving me nuts' thing, it's very very common. The way I've tried to deal with it is to always give myself something to look forward to. Time off, holiday, music projects, whatever. If you don't have anything to look forward to it can really get you down.

(This is not some cheery person trying to dish out advice. I have suffered/do suffer from suicidal thoughts and depression and I know what it's like. Each individual's situation is different, but we do what we can to help each other out.)
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Re: Post while you are depressed thread

Postby VaticanShotglass on Wed Nov 14, 2018 8:16 pm

Staying in bed all day is better than hurting or killing myself. Just watching TV and eating cereal is better than staying in bed. Just taking a walk is better than not going outside at all. Getting one thing done is better than not getting anything done.

That's as far I as I seem to get. After years and years, just getting past stage one can still be as hard as anything. I'm not finding any of it to get easier. Better is a measure of how often I wind up further down the list. I don't know that the past few years have been worth it. It might not lead to anything and there has been about three good weeks of time over three years.

There's so much work to do or alternatively, so much faking to do to have just a chance at something better. I keep trying and my situation keeps getting worse. I just can't keep up. I'm so tired all the time. I used to be able to navigate this. Now that I'm so isolated it is hard to keep track of things. Everything is so exhausting. I'll have a day or two where I catch a break and feel good enough to be productive. Six consecutive days is as long as I've been able to go with normal days and work without crashing. This isn't a sustainable life.

I wonder if I'd have a legitimate claim to disability. I don't understand any of that stuff. The one time I started to look into it, I was heavily shamed and intimidated out of it.

I caught my self thinking about who I'd want to get my stuff if I died (there's only friends I haven't seen in years on that list). I'm going to call an old therapist.
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